


You're Staring Back At Me (Like I Wasn't There)

by AccioLibros



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Inspired by "The Vow", Memory Loss
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-26
Updated: 2016-11-23
Packaged: 2018-05-16 10:51:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 22,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5825686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AccioLibros/pseuds/AccioLibros
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a diplomatic trip to make a deal with a grounder tribe, Clarke hits her head a loses all memories back to the first few days on the ground. She only remembers the days when Bellamy was her opponent and they'd only just discovered the existence of grounders.<br/>It's only logical that she can't quite come to terms with how the Ark has come down to Earth, how they've made a village called Arkadia, and how she seems to be married to Bellamy Blake.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bellarke is center stage in this fic, but there is background Minty, Linctavia, and Kabby happening in this fic too, which I did not tag.
> 
> This first chapter turned out to be very “porn WITH plot”, but I really just wanted to underline how crazy they were about each other and how much they loved each other. The next many chapters won’t have any smut, so I hope you will be sated for a while.
> 
> (VERY) Loosely inspired by the film "The Vow".  
> Title from "Empire" by _Of Monsters And Men._

It had started out slow. As they began to trust each other the glances and touches started. Then the smiles and the flirting. Between the tough calls and heartbreaking decisions that crumbled their spirits and left their souls in despair, they’d found comfort in each other. They found forgiveness, love; an equal. 

Bellamy had wanted a wedding ceremony and while Clarke didn’t need one, she wanted him to have that. She didn’t mind his tendency to be protective of her; he loved her, and she chose to bear with his possessiveness. He was aware that he was possessive about Clarke, and he knew why; he was scared of losing her. 

He knew she loved him, and even though they understood each other better than no one else, he was scared that it was all too good to be true. Who was he, a factory station kid, to deserve the talented leader and goodheartedness that was the Ark’s princess. They’d both changed so much since they first stepped out into the fresh forest air, but being treated as inferior for so many years was hard to shake.

That was also why his new position amongst the camp leaders was difficult to grasp. He was an authority now. He was a man respected by all, listened to, looked up to. And now he was also loved. He was a husband and he hoped he would be a father soon too.

Bellamy was a man who valued family high, he’d never tried to hide that fact, which was why he hadn’t expected Clarke to be the first to seriously bring up having children. 

“I saw you play with Gaya today,” Clarke said as she propped herself up on her elbow. The day had come to an end and only candlelight lit up the room. Bellamy was undressing as Clarke observed him from the bed.

“You did?” he asked when he’d pulled his shirt over his head. It wasn’t uncommon for him to play with his young niece whenever he had some spare time. He adored the little dark haired angel and spoiled her rotten whenever he had the chance.

“I was thinking...” Clarke started as Bellamy came to bed. She hesitated and worried her lip between her teeth as he settled beside her.

He mirrored her position, propping his head up on his hand like her, lying on his side. “Yeah?”

“Do you still want kids?” 

“You know I do,” he replied with a hesitant smile and grabbed her hand that laid between them on the madras. He ran his thumb over her knuckles and looked up at her again.

“So do I,” she said, looking up at him through her lashes, awaiting his reaction. A giant smile spread across his face, pure joy that could not be contained.

“Yeah?” He was beaming at her and it made her heart skip a beat.

“Yeah,” she said and leaned in to capture his lips between hers. It was a sweet kiss, shorted by Clarke’s inability to kiss him through the smile on his face that wouldn’t let up.

“So, Bellamy... do you wanna make a baby with me?”

“God, yes!” he said before he swooped in to capture her lips in a seething kiss that conveyed all his love, while he pulled her close by her waist.

It wasn’t until he moved to place kisses on her neck that Clarke had a chance to breathe. “You know... I don’t think I’m ovulating yet,” she said through a small giggle, surprised by how eager he was. 

“Well...” he said, kissing the spot between her neck and her shoulder that always made her moan, “that doesn’t mean...” he moved further up her neck again, “that we can’t practice.” He kissed the soft spot behind her ear, before moving back to her mouth.

“Mmm, I like the sound of that,” Clarke said and then ran her hand through his hair and pulled him closer.

Bellamy cradled her face and slowed the pace of their kiss. It was sensual and loving, but not longer filled with a need to hurry; they had all the time in the world. Clarke knew exactly what he was up to, what he wanted, as he did that.

Clarke moved her hands to the waistband of Bellamy’s underwear and pulled them down. When he had to move away from her to remove the articles of clothing completely, Clarke quickly removed her underwear too.

When their lips met again they were completely naked. Skin met skin as Clarke pulled her husband close. He moaned when he felt the peak of her breasts against his chest; they had hardened when they were exposed to the chilly evening air. Even inside the cabins the temperatures dropped at night.

One of Bellamy’s big, warm hands now moved over Clarke’s side. He traced patterns on her waist, he moved his hand to her back and pulled her even closer, he moved his hand to the soft skin of her ass and kneaded the flesh in slow, stimulating motions.

Clarke raked her nails over his scalp, which drew a purring noise from deep within his chest. She moved her hands over his neck, his shoulders, down his arms, and over his back.

Their slow kissing never stopped, it stayed at a languid pace as it conveyed all the feelings they had for each other.

Feeling his hardening length against her only turned Clarke more on. As she raked her fingers through his curly hair and pressed her nails over scalp again she could feel him twitch against her.

Her own arousal was thick between her thighs as Bellamy started playing with her breasts, moving his fingers around the areola slightly before giving the nipples a pinch. He alternated between the soft and sharp motions on her breasts, which he knew sent Clarke’s desire flying high. His tongue mirrored his fingers' movements and Clarke started breathing heavily against his mouth as their kissing continued in the slow pace they’d set.

Clarke moved her hand down Bellamy’s side, over his shoulders and down past his hips to his stiff member. She took him in his hand and slowly stroked in the same pace as his fingers and their tongues. When she swiped her thumb over his tip and moved the wet pre-cum over the sensitive flesh, Bellamy moaned into her mouth.

To Clarke’s immediate disappointment, Bellamy stopped the titillating motions on her breasts and moved his hand down her side and over her thigh. It wasn’t until Bellamy’s hand made it to the back of her knee that she realised what his next play was.

He hooked her leg over his hip and she stopped their kissing to look into his brown eyes, pupils blown wide by lust. She kept stroking his cock as their heavy breaths mingled. They could only hear each other, only feel each other, only think about each other.

She canted her hips closer and lead his hard member to her wet entrance. He pushed his hips closer to hers and slowly entered her soft heat.

They kept looking into each others eyes as they connected. It wasn’t until Bellamy was sheathed completely in her, that they both closed their eyes to revel in the feeling of filling her up.

Clarke was the first to open her eyes again. She leaned in to capture his lips again and they continued the same slow pace as they’d set before. Clarke started moving against her husband, craving the feel of him moving inside her.

As soon as Clarke started moving, Bellamy did too. He took her lead and helped her keep the slow pace. Without having to vocally say the words, they’d silently agreed to keep the pace leisurely, to revel in the feeling of each other’s bodies, to make love to each other as they’d done on their honeymoon. 

The only sounds in their cabin were the sounds of their breaths, their moans and grunts, the way their bed creaked at the slow rocking motions, and the sound of the way Bellamy’s shaft slid through the abundance of her natural lubricant.

A fine sheen of sweat coated their bodies when Bellamy decided to move his hand to where they were connected, to move his fingers between her folds and find her sensitive clit. He stroked it faster than the general pace they’d set and Clarke started moaning harder against his mouth, making kissing an impossibility. 

They shared the air around them, heaving it in, tasting each other in the air as they breathed in fast. The inch of space between their heads now made them able to look into each other’s eyes again.

Clarke was close to her peak and she knew Bellamy was too. She sped up, no longer able to hold the steady unhurried pace. Bellamy’s hand tightened around her thigh as he sped up too.

At the increased speed, it didn’t take long before they both fell apart in each other's arms. Bellamy came first. His moan was deep and his hand tightened on her leg again as he spilled his seed inside his beautiful wife.

He kept up the motions of his fingers against her clit after he’d come, but Clarke also took pleasure in the pure look on serenity on Bellamy’s face and the feeling of his semen in her.

Bellamy kept his cock in her a little while longer, waiting for the way her walls were about to squeeze tight around him. He didn’t have to wait long. Her moans were on the verge of screams as her orgasm soared through her, making her see stars and making her body seize up in the most pleasurable of feelings. 

When as she came down Bellamy removed himself from her wet core and kept his arms around her, holding her tight.

“Mmm, I love you,” Clarke said when she came to. She kissed his chest and nuzzled in under his chin.

“I love you so much, Princess.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke and Bellamy had quite naturally and fairly gradually turned into their settlement’s ambassadors. They visited all villages of importance within a 100 mile radius and prominent cities even further away. After the wars and the truce that had so fragilely been established, they needed to make sure their relations to the surrounding clans were good. 

They needed knowledge about the lands and trade agreements with the surrounding peoples to make a better life for themselves. They needed to understand the grounders better. They needed allies, they needed mutual respect, they needed friendship. Clarke and Bellamy knew who to turn to, how to approach the clans, what to say, and what to do. Clarke and Bellamy got their new settlement the peace they needed.

It also meant long days of travelling, but the old topographic maps they’d found in some of the bunkers had helped them find the best routes and the intel from the grounders along their ways had been invaluable.

Sooner than they realised, time had come for them to make another journey, but that also meant getting up very early in the morning.

“We need to get up now,” Clarke croaked into Bellamy’s neck as she was lying half on top of him. It was early, the sun wasn’t up yet, but the sky was starting to light up in the east.

Bellamy didn’t reply, he only held Clarke tighter, not wanting the break of a new day to remove her from her spot beside him.

“We should get up,” she tried again. She didn’t make a move to get up either. Bellamy just grunted in reply, but at least she knew he was awake.

“The later we leave, the later we arrive at the town,” she tried to persuade them both with her logic.

“I know, I know,” he finally said. He sucked in a deep breath and sighed heavily before removing himself from the bed and the warm, soft body of his wife.

Once Bellamy had left the bed it didn’t take Clarke long to get up either. They got dressed in silence, found the backpacks they’d packed the night before, and left their cabin to get water and their rations for their trip.

They greeted Miller, who was on the early morning shift, on their way out of their new and improved gates and made their way into the forest.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“When do you think we can get outta here?” Clarke whispered into Bellamy’s ear. The friendly visit had been a success. They’d had two good days in the grounder village, a trading deal in the works, and were now celebrating the continued friendship between the Skaikru and the Okoukru.

“Why so eager to leave the party, Princess?” He countered with a big smile on his face. They were watching the bonfire and the spontaneous dancing that had just broken out.

“I wanna practice making a baby again...” she said suggestively while she pressed herself further into his side. 

Bellamy groaned before he said, “We’re the guests of honour. We can’t just leave.”

“I don’t care. I want to fuck you.”

“Have I told you lately how much I love you?” He turned so he could wrap both his arms firmly around her and she leaned up to press her lips against his.

“Not so much in words,” she replied as she broke away from him, “more in touches and moans, but I’ll take that too.”

“I guess we’ve taken part in enough of the festivities. I’m sure no one will notice if we go back to our hut.”

She laughed as he squeezed her closer for a moment before cupping her face in his hands. His soft, dark eyes held hers in a loving gaze. “I love you so much. I really do, Clarke.”

She was beaming up at him when she moved her hands over his wrists and said, “I know. I love you too, Bellamy,” making him beam down at her now. He bent down to kiss her again, running his tongue slowly over lower lip before kissing her deeply.

When they broke away their chests where heaving. They didn’t have to say anything else now. Bellamy sent Clarke one of his famous smirks and Clarke took his hand and let them to their small guest hut.

The walk to their hut took six times longer than it normally would have; Bellamy couldn’t stop turning Clarke around and kissing her every few steps. Clarke didn’t mind. She loved the attention he gave her and how he couldn’t let her be.

As soon as she got him in the door of their small guest shelter, she pushed the door shut and trapped him against the wooden door and her. 

She sent him a wicked smile before moving in to kiss her way down his jawline. She pushed her hands under his shirt to feel her way up his firm abs.

Bellamy pulled his shirt over his head and found her mouth when the article of clothing had been discarded to the floor. Their tongues moved in tandem, their lips softly stroking the other’s. 

When Bellamy moved his hands up her sides and cupped her breasts she moaned into the kiss and broke apart for a moment to catch her breath. She smiled up at Bellamy again, before she started trailing kisses down his neck, over his collarbone, down his chest. She payed attention to his nipples for a moment, before descending further.

She kissed every single one of his pecks until his jeans stopped her from moving down further. She unbuckled his belt, unbuttoned his jeans, and pushed all the fabrics down, leaving his hardening erection bobbing in front of her eyes. 

Clarke reached out and took a hold of him by his root. She softly stroked her thumb up and down the length while keeping the rest of her hand firmly around him. She felt as he hardened further under her touch and leaned in and left kisses from his base, all the way up his shaft, until she made it to the tip. 

“Clarke, please,” he begged. She didn’t have it in her heart to torment him further. She moved her lips over his tip and trailed her tongue over the slit. His response was immediate and candid. His moan filled their small cabin and sent a rush of lust through her. 

Her hand started stroking him and her head bobbed up and down on his length. 

“God, yes, Princess, just like that...” Bellamy said followed by another throaty moan. His fingers found their way to the back of her head, tangled in her curls, to gently guide her pace. She took him down as far as she could, but let her hand do the rest of the job by the base of his cock.

When Bellamy could feel himself getting close, he pulled her off and helped her to her feet. He didn’t have the energy for two rounds tonight, so he best stop her before she made him come in her warm, wet mouth.

“Bed?” He asked in a low rumble. Clarke just hummed in agreement and nodded her head. She turned around and began to undress herself on the way to the bed. Bellamy kicked off his boots, jeans, and underwear completely before making his way to her. 

Clarke was all but naked on the bed. She had left her underwear on. She knew how much he loved removing those last pieces of clothing from her body.

“You’re gorgeous, Clarke,” Bellamy said as he crawled down to her on the bed.

“You aren’t too hard on the eyes yourself, Blake,” Clarke said with a smirk. Her eyes raked over his body, taking him in in all of his naked splendour.

“Just take the compliment, Mrs. Blake,” Bellamy said with a smirk as he positioned himself on top of her on the bed. His body was resting slightly on hers, held up by his arms on either side of her.

“Well, thank you, Mr. Blake.” She bent up to kiss him, ran her fingers through his dark curly hair and held him close. 

Bellamy started to massage her breast through her bra as their tongues danced and Clarke started to grind herself against Bellamy’s firm thigh.

Bellamy broke away from the kiss when he could feel her wetness through her panties to speak against her cheek, “Fuck, you’re so wet, Princess. I can’t wait to be inside you.”

“Good. Cause I can’t wait for you to fuck me,” Clarke replied, earning her a moan of approval from Bellamy.

He started kissing his way down her torso. “Take your bra off,” he said as he passed the garment. Clarke arched her back slightly to find the clasp and unhooked it quickly, while Bellamy continued kissing his way down her stomach. 

Her panties were the last to go. He hooked his fingers in the fabric by her waist and pulled them down her thighs in one smooth motion. When they were on the floor with all their other clothes he moved up her body again, this time paying special attention to her breasts. 

“I love the way you look at my breasts, Bell,” Clarke said.

“Well, I love your breasts,” he retorted before diving in to give them the touches and kisses they needed. He gently stroked one breast while running his teeth over the nipple on the other breast. He bit and kissed and sucked and licked in a winning combination he’d perfected after their numerous times together. He always changed it up so she never knew exactly what he had in mind, but he knew exactly how her body wanted to be touched.

After the second breast had gotten almost as much attention as the first, Clarke pulled Bellamy up for a passionate kiss before saying, “I want you in me now.”

Bellamy readjusted himself on the bed, so his hard member was situated directly above her wet entrance. He ran a few fingers through her slit and noted out loud how wet she was, almost cursing under his breath at how fucking hot it was that she was this turned on for him.

He spread the slickness he’d gathered from her warm centre on his cock as he pumped it a few times, before lining it up with her entrance. 

“Are you ready, honey?” he asked, teasing his tip over er soft, wet flesh.

“Yes, Bell, please,” she said, giving him the go to push himself into her.

They’d done this so many times before, but that didn’t stop Bellamy from marvelling over how well they fit together, how good it felt to be buried deep inside her, and how responsive she was to his movements.

When she opened her eyes and looked deep into his, he started to move his hips, which drew a long moan from Clarke. She grabbed on tight to his shoulders and moved her one leg over his thigh to get a better purchase before moving with him.

“Faster, Bell, harder,” Clarke said between heavy breaths. As he sped up, Clarke’s moans became more frequent and he could feel her cunt beginning to pulse around him. He moved him thumb down between them to stimulate her clit as she was nearing her climax. 

He didn’t rub her clit for long before she came, her back arching against the madras, pushing her full breasts up against his chest. She became silent for a moment, until she started breathing heavily again. 

The feeling of Clarke’s pulsing walls around him and the look of pure bliss on her face, quickly sent Bellamy over the edge too. When he’d emptied himself in her, he slumped over her. He tried not to crush her under him, but the orgasm had left him feeling boneless. Luckily for him, Clarke loved the feeling of him on top of her. It made her feel connected to him, it made her feel loved, and reminded her that not only had he just made her feel good, but she had made him feel good too.

It wasn’t long until Bellamy regained the movement of his limbs, rolled off her, and pulled her close. 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

They were sent off with new rations, smiles, and the promise that the Skaikru’s friendship with the Okoukru was well-preserved. Their trek was only 14 hours including a long break for lunch, but the walk home always seemed shorter than their walk there.

“When do you wanna do lunch?” Bellamy asked as they neared their 6th hour on the road.

“I was thinking we could stop at that place by that lake...” she trailed off, thinking of the lunch break they’d had a couple of months ago. He’d found strawberries, which she ended up feeding him, which turning into a passionate make out session, which turned into a round of hot sex.

“Yeah? That was a nice spot,” he said with sly smile.

“It really was, wasn’t it?” she replied and he hummed in agreement.

“How far do you think that is? Another hour?” he asked.

“Yeah. Something like that. Would that be alright or are you getting hungry?” She was hungry already, but waiting for the spot at that lovely lake would be worth it for her.

“Nah, I can wait.” He reached out to capture her hand in his and they intwined their fingers.

They walked for another long while, just holding hands and enjoying the sounds of the forest, until Clarke said, “We didn’t finish talking about the heda’s proposal.”

“We didn’t, did we?” Bellamy replied with his gaze fixed at the horizon.

“What are you thinking?” Clarke asked expectantly, looking at his face while he was processing his thoughts.

“Like I said earlier, I think the pros outweighs the cons. But I am still very concerned about the distance. A lot can happen on the way, and with the amount of people it would take to transport the goods, they will draw attention to themselves. Both there and back.”

“So we need to make sure the envoy is sufficiently trained to fight off any bandits along the way,” Clarke said. “But we are friendly with all the villages on the route-”

“We are,” Bellamy interrupted, “but they won’t let the envoy pass peacefully or supply any assistance if that is needed without some compensation. Especially when they find out what we’re transporting. We need to be on top of that. Make some safe passage deals with the villages before we even start the trading.” 

“You’re right. But we are taking the deal, right? Just imagine what we could do if we had the cotton to make our own cloth. Our clothes are already extremely worn. The clothes from the Ark has been worn and mended for a hundred years, and half the clothes we found in the bunkers were scruffy and moth-eaten, and the wool we manage to spin into yarn is so scratchy.” Clarke was very excited about the prospect of being self-sufficient in regards to clothing the way they where in so many other areas.

Their crops were doing very well. With their technological advances they were already making more than they could use, so trading was the ideal option. Not to mention the crops were of the best quality.

“We need to make sure someone learns how to make string out of the cotton and learns how to weave,” Bellamy said. “And we need to send someone with them to figure out how to build a weaver.”

“It’s going to take a lot of planning for, but at soon as it’s all up and running we will never regret it.” Clarke was smiling brightly at the idea. Bellamy marvelled at how the sun touched her hair just perfectly, making her look ethereal.

They didn’t walk for much longer until they reached the lake. Clarke kept talking about all the types of clothes the could make and started wondering what natural dyes were possible for the cloth. She was sure Jasper or Monty knew of some roots or berries that could give off colour.

Once they sat down at the lakeside, Bellamy unpacked the cooked meats and berries the Okoukru had given them for their journey. They both savoured the taste of the deer meat one last time and Bellamy remarked how he was still disappointed they wouldn’t share their recipe for the marinade.

“If we told you how to cook this, you might never return,” the Heda had said when they’d asked.

“They like their secrets, Bell,” Clarke said, taking another bite of the cold leftovers.

“I know... But...” Bellamy started, but didn’t know what to say.

“I know, babe, I know,” Clarke responded. “But maybe you can experiment a bit with your own seasoning once we go home. If you care so much about it.”

“You’re right. Maybe I should,” Bellamy said with a small smile.

They finished their lunch and laid back in the grass. Bellamy stretched out with hands behind his head and Clarke scooted up to lay her head on his arm.

“How long can we stay here for?” Clarke asked in her contentment. The warm rays of the sun licked their skin as a warm blanket.

“If we leave in 20 minutes, I think we can make it home before it’s completely dark,” Bellamy replied.

“20 minutes it is,” Clarke all but sighed.

They looked at the clouds, pointed out the shapes they could see, started to give them stories. When Clarke felt like 20 minutes had passed, she leaned over Bellamy, gave him a short, sweet kiss, and got up. She pulled Bellamy up with her and they began to make the rest of the way home.

They weren’t far from their settlement when Clarke tripped. It happened too fast for Bellamy to reach out and catch her. Everything seemed to happen in slow motion, but his limbs didn’t move fast enough. She started rolling down the mountain side. Bellamy jumped after her, but she kept rolling. And rolling. And rolling. Until she didn’t. Until her head found a rock and her neck snapped back and her body became still.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I plan to upload a new chapter at regular intervals. I've already written the first four chapters, but they still require minor tweaks before I will upload them. And that is just the beginning. I hope you'll leave me some love in the comments.
> 
> The grounder tribe is completely made up. I wanted a name that wouldn’t have any future connotations in canon and I also wanted it to make sense in relation to what they were trading with them. I wanted a word for “field” or “farming” but couldn’t find it, and I didn’t wanna be bothered with making up a grounder word, so I found the word for “coat” and thought that had relations to fabric, so that made sense, since they have cotton fields.
> 
> You can also find me here: [autumnkru.tumblr.com](http://autumnkru.tumblr.com)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know nothing about memory loss and I was too lazy to thoroughly research it. The mind is a tricky place and the brain is a complicated organ. Bear with me.

Clarke’s eyes started to flutter open. She felt tired. Drained. The room was too light for her to really open her eyes yet. She could feel someone holding her hand.

When she could finally open her eyes it took her a moment to focus. She was in a room with a lot of beds. The lights were dimmed but she still recognised some of the furniture from the Ark’s clinic. But that was impossible; she was on Earth now.

Then her attention moved to the person holding her hand. A headful of wild black curls was resting on the bed by their hands. 

When she pulled her hand away from the person by her side, he woke up. A giant smile spread over his face when he saw she was awake.

“Bellamy?” she asked confused. Her voice was rough from having been out of use for so long. He reached for her hand again and tried to hold it, but she drew it back to herself and folded her hands. He saw the confusion on her face, but brushed it off.

“Yeah. I’m right here,” he said. “You gave us all quite a scare.”

His hair was much longer than the last time she had seen him. He was cleaner too. And he smiled at her. She’d only ever seen him smile that genuinely at Octavia. And perhaps one of two of his conquests.

“What happened?” she asked as she looked around the room again. The whole setup was eerie. It was exactly like her mom would have it.

“We were making our way back from a trip when you rolled down a mountain and hit your head. It was pretty bad,” Bellamy said, his face turned serious. “You were bleeding a lot. I was so worried.” He looked down and swallowed before meeting her eyes again and continued. “I put pressure on your wound and practically ran back to the clinic with you. You were lucky we were almost home.” Bellamy flashed a small, sad smile. “It was pretty late in the day, but your mom was still in the clinic, so she got to work right away.”

“My mom?”

“Yeah. You have slept for three days. You had me so worried.” The look he gave her was earnest, but it didn’t make sense to Clarke. She didn’t understand why he would worry about her, let alone tell her about it. And she didn’t understand what her mother was doing here.

“How is my mom...” Clarke trailed off. How was her mom there? She had a hard time collecting her thoughts. Her head hurt and none of it seemed real.

“Do you want me to go get her? She should be in the next room,” Bellamy said. Clarke just nodded, and Bellamy got up from his chair by her side. 

“I’m so happy you’re alright,” he said and leaned in to kiss the top of her head. Clarke was so caught off guard she barely realised what had happened until Bellamy was out the door.

 

 

* * *

 

 

He knocked twice on the door to Abby’s office before he entered. She turned around in her chair to look as him as he opened the door.

Abby was tired and worried, just like Bellamy had been for the past three days, and Abby’s worry had only intensified Bellamy’s worry. If the doctor had concerns then Clarke’s condition must be serious.

“She’s awake.” Bellamy couldn’t keep the smile off his face as he said it. After he got the words out he let out a sigh of relief, like he hadn’t really realised she was actually alright until just now. He didn’t have to say anything else. Abby knew exactly who he was talking about and was already out of her chair, making her way to the door and to Clarke. Her eyes lit up in hope.

“How long?” Abby asked as they made their way to the ward.

“Not long. 5 minutes? She asked what had happened and I told her, and then I came to get you. She wants to see you,” Bellamy replied.

“Good. That’s good.” Abby said to herself. Bellamy could practically feel the worry still oozing off his mother in law, but he’d seen his wife awake now, talked to her. He knew she was fine.

Abby entered the ward first. She lit up as soon as she saw her daughter awake and made her way to her side in no time.

“Clarke. Thank god you’re awake.” Abby ran her hand over the side of Clarke’s face. Abby reached for her small flashlight and checked how Clarke’s pupils reacted.

“Mom?” Clarke’s eyebrows knitted together in confusion.

“Yeah sweetheart, I’m right here,” Abby said through a relieved smile. “You’re alright.”

Bellamy had been standing back to let Abby see her daughter, but now he moved closer to the bed and Clarke’s eyes moved to him.

“Abby, when can I take her home?” he asked, looking down at Clarke with fondness.

“In a few da-” Abby started to day, but Clarke cut her off, “Home? What are you talking about? What’s going on?” She looked between her mom and Bellamy, before she turned to look at her mom again. “Mom. I don’t understand. How are you here? Where am I?” Clarke looked around the room again before her eyes moved to Bellamy and then back to Abby.

“Clarke?” The joy Bellamy had been experiencing only moments before was slowly draining from his body. Clarke didn’t look at him like she normally did. He now noticed how her eyes were hard through her confusion and she seemed slightly nervous about his presence. 

“Clarke. What do you mean?” Abby said, “You’re back in Arkadia. In the clinic. You’ve been in a coma for three days.”

“What’s ‘Arkadia’? How did you get to the ground?” Clarke asked. The confusion was evident on her face. 

“What’s the last thing you remember, sweetheart?” Abby asked.

“It’s all... A bit fuzzy,” Clarke began. “I... think... The last thing I remember is Jasper getting hurt. He was speared and then kidnapped. And then we rescued him.” She looked up at Bellamy at that, she knew he had been there too, but Bellamy evaded her eyes and looked over at Abby at the same time Abby turned to look at him.

“What?” Clarke asked.

Bellamy pinched the bridge of his nose before he replied. “That was in the first week by the drop ship. That was ages ago, Clarke.” She could see the hurt in his eyes now, though she didn’t understand why.

“How long has it been? Since we landed on Earth?” Clarke asked. She was starting to understand why everything seemed so strange to her.

“Four years. It’s been four years since we came to Earth,” Abby said when Bellamy kept silent. His throat suddenly felt like it was made of sandpaper and there was a strange tightness around his heart.

“You don’t remember anything from the past four years?” Abby asked her.

Clarke shook her head slightly. “No, I don’t.” She looked to Bellamy again. His sadness confused her. “Will I get my memories back?” She asked her mom.

“I don’t know, sweetheart.” Abby stroked her daughter’s hair again. “Memory is a tricky thing. We can only hope something will jog it. Maybe if we tell you stories about your life, something might ring a bell. The only thing I do know is not to knock you over the head again. Life isn't a cartoon. A second bump won’t do you any good.”

Clarke just nodded. She didn’t know how to respond. She didn’t know what she’d lost in the past four years.

Bellamy moved closer, until he was by the spot where he’d been when she woke up, on the opposite side of the bed from Abby. He sat down in the chair and reached for her hand before changing his mind. If the last thing she remembered about him was how he behaved the first week by the drop ship, then she probably didn’t want him taking her hand. Instead, he ran his hands over his face and then looked up at her again.

“You don’t remember us, then?” he asked, his expression pained.

“Us?” she asked confused.

“Maybe I should let you two be. You have a lot of catching up to do,” Abby said. She took a step away from the bed but Clarke reached out to catch her arm. A pang went through Bellamy. She really didn’t want to be alone with him.

Abby patted her daughter’s hand where it grabbed her arm. “It’ll be alright sweetheart. Bellamy will fill you in about the past four years. I’ll be in my office if you need anything.” The last bit was addressed to Bellamy, but Clarke still took comfort in it. 

Clarke was more confused than ever. Or so she thought. Until she looked at the hand she had stopped her mother with and noticed a wedding band. Now nothing made sense.

Her mother moved away from her grasp and left the room, leaving her alone with Bellamy.

“Should I start with the big news first or do you want the story of your Earth-life chronologically?” Bellamy asked with a crooked smile to lighten the mood. It only half helped.

“The big news first,” Clarke replied in a clipped voice without hesitation. She’d noticed Bellamy’s ring too, and even in Clarke’s weakened state she was still perceptive.

“We’re married,” he said first. Almost like ripping off a bandage. He was gauging her reaction, but her attentiveness had given her the clues she needed and he didn’t catch her off guard. She had her features schooled into a neutral listening expression and did nothing to reveal how distraught she was.

Bellamy continued when she didn’t respond. “We got married last year.” A reminiscent smile spread over his face. “In June. We had already lived together two and a half years at that point, but we didn’t start dating until we’d lived together for a year. It might sound a bit odd, but after you came back from a... journey of self discovery," he hesitated a bit at that phrasing and she wondered what the story was behind that journey, "we became much closer. And we needed each other more than ever before. It took us a while to realise our feelings were mutual. I’d been pining after you for ages at that point." He sent her another small smile. 

As inconceivable as the idea of hooking up with, no, marrying Bellamy was, she was oddly accepting of his story. It was obvious that he was telling the truth and that he was hurt about her state of amnesia. But that didn’t mean she was ready to be his wife.

“I can’t believe this... I... I’m so confused,” Clarke said. She bent forward and rubbed her eyes and then her whole face. The emotional strain was getting too much and she couldn’t contain her feelings any longer. She felt so weak and so alone in a place she didn’t know. Her mother had left her alone with this man she only knew to be a self-centred rebel. She might recognise the people around her, but they weren’t the people she knew. Four years has passed. The emotions materialised as tears. She didn’t sob or sniffle, but the salty tears simply rolled down her cheeks.

Bellamy reached for her again, but she drew back. She drew her knees up to her chest and hugged them close. “Don’t Bellamy. Just... don’t.”

He leaned forward, resting his arms on his knees, and folded his hands instead.

“I’m sorry. I just want to comfort you. It’s... It’s a reflex. All I want is to protect you and keep you happy.”

Clarke snorted through her tears, but Bellamy winced and Clarke quickly realised her tactlessness. Her outburst had hurt Bellamy like a knife to his heart.

“I’m sorry. It’s just not something I would ever had expected you to say,” she explained, her eyes scrunched together in apology. He hadn’t expected his past self to come back to bite him in the ass like this. He only acted that way for a short while after they’d landed on the ground. They had quickly learned to tolerate each other, and then work together, and lastly enjoy each other’s company.

“I know,” he said and ran his hands over his face again. “We’ve all changed so much since that first week. A lot has happened.”

Clarke simply hugged her legs closer, seeking comfort in the only familiar thing around her. Except she realised that even her own body wasn’t familiar. Her legs felt more firm, more muscular than she’d ever felt them and she had scars on her hands she’d never seen before. She wondered what other scars Earth had inflicted on her.

“What other big news do you have?” Clarke asked.

Bellamy let out a big sigh before saying, “I don’t even know where to start.”

“How’s Octavia?” Clarke asked and sent Bellamy a small smile. At least that’s something positive she remembered about him; his love for his sister.

“She’s good,” he answered and smiled back. “She married one of the Trikru. His name is Lincoln.”

“Trikru?” Clarke asked and Bellamy’s heart sank again. A lot of her memories were gone, not just her memories of him, but so many basic fact about their life and their world.

He told her about the Trikru, only briefly mentioning Anya and Lexa at first. He wanted her to get a sense of their world without scaring her or influencing her feelings about those past events.

He proceeded to tell her about Octavia’s life, once the Trikru had been described. He told her about their niece and how he’d never seen Octavia happier. He told her more about how Octavia had fallen in love with the grounder before they’d even been on Earth a month, how she’d come into her own and become a fierce warrior. He told her about their war with the Trikru and their following alliance with them as the Mountain Men had kidnapped their people and started draining them of life. He told her of Lexa’s betrayal, of the hard decision they’d had to make, and of pulling the lever together.

He told her about Wanheda, about how she left him and their settlement behind, because even though she said she would bear it so they didn’t have to, she couldn’t bare it. Instead she tried to escape from herself. Tried to become someone and something else.

He told her about how he’d found her again, how she needed their help, and how they had stopped people from coming after her.

He told her about how she’d returned to Arkadia. About how she didn’t feel like she fit in at first. About her nightmares. About her fears of putting everyone in danger again.

He told her about how he’d built them a small cabin in the furthest corner of the village. He told her how she’d finally begun to settle in and about how their role with the Skaikru had soon turned into a diplomatic one.

He told her about how she loved when they were on the road, she loved meeting the different tribes on peaceful terms, but how she also loved being home at Arkadia again once their missions were over.

He finally told her about the trip they’d just come back from. About their mission to secure a trading agreement and about how happy she’d been with the prospect of having cotton. He lastly told her more about how she’s fallen down on their way back. About how she hit her head.

Nothing seemed familiar to her. Not anything after the first week by the drop ship, though she listened as intently as possible, even through her searing headache. She could clearly see Bellamy’s disappointment on his face and hear it in his voice. 

"You might remember something in a few days when you’ve regained your strength," he said with a comforting, but disappointed smile.

"Yeah. As soon as I get back on my feet, I’m sure things will go back to normal quickly." Clarke wasn’t sure if she truly believed that, but something in her needed to comfort Bellamy. 

"Maybe when you see our home," Bellamy said hopefully. Clarke was not sure she was comfortable about Bellamy talking about "their home". She barely knew him. The last time she’d seen him he had wanted to kill Jasper because he was being too loud after being speared. She had a hard time reconciling that Bellamy with the one in front of her. She still wasn’t sure she trusted him.

"You should go home. Sleep in your own bed," Clarke said when their conversation faded out and Bellamy’s eyes started to drop. 

"Are you sure? I’ve been fine in this chair for the last two nights," Bellamy said, but Clarke didn’t see a reason for him staying. She was fine on her own, just as she’d always been.

"Just go home," she said with a small smile and a shake of her head. She understood why he wanted to stay, she’d seen it with the many relatives to the people she was looking out for in the clinic on the Ark, but she just didn’t see him as a relative.

“Will you get my mum before you leave?” Clarke asked before Bellamy went off.

We gave her a small nod before he got out of the chair. "I’ll find her on my way out.” He was about to shift closer to her but stopped. Did he want to hold her hand again? Kiss her head again? He didn’t. He stopped and simply said, “I’ll be back again tomorrow morning." She still felt a bit awkward about his affection towards her; he’d only ever argued with her and taunted her, and now he seemingly loved her.

After he left, her mind went through everything he’d told her. It was a lot to take in, and she was sure he hadn’t told her everything. 

She had been living as a grounder for months because she’d killed a mountain full of families. She couldn’t comprehend how that could be her. Bellamy had answered all the questions she had asked, but now she thought it through she had even more to ask him.

Her mother came in and Clarke asked for some painkillers for her head. To her relief they also worked as sedatives, and before she knew it Clarke was lulled into a dreamless sleep again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave me some love if you're enjoying this fic.  
> Thank you so much for reading!!
> 
> In the meantime you can find me here: [autumnkru.tumblr.com](http://autumnkru.tumblr.com)


	3. Chapter 3

Clarke spent the next two days in the bed in the clinic. Partly because her mother wanted to keep her for observation and partly because she didn’t know what to do in regard to Bellamy.

Abby promised her daughter she could stay one more night in the ward after she’d tried to release her the first time. The doctor didn’t question her daughter’s request, but she did have her suspicions as to why she asked for another night in the medical ward.

Her mother had talked to her about the life she had now and about Bellamy, but her reassuring words only meant so much. She didn’t really know the man and her first impression of him, when they first landed, hadn’t been all that positive.

Despite her reservations, Bellamy had been nothing but kind to her since she woke up, but going home to sleep in his, _their_ , cabin made her feel strange. Like she was being set up for an arranged marriage. 

The worst thing was that she knew she had chosen him herself, which was part of why Clarke had come to the decision that if she had loved him enough to want to marry him then, she would be willing to give him the benefit to the doubt now. 

But there was still a part of her that wanted to ask her mother if she could just stay with her, despite the fact that she knew she should just plunge in to it head first and go home with Bellamy, her husband, if we wanted the best odds at getting her memory back.

If she went with Bellamy she might spark some memories, but she would be in unfamiliar territory with a man she only knew as selfish and arrogant. She could clearly see a change in him; he wasn’t the same man she’d known, but to her that was only a moment ago and it would take her longer to learn to trust him.

But her mother seemed to like him, which was quite something, so she decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. 

At first she had considered asking him to stay away from her, but if he really was a big part of her life, then he could be the key to unlocking her memory. 

Part of her didn’t know if she wanted to get her memory back, especially since Bellamy had told her what she, what _they_ , had to do to keep their people safe. Earth had changed them all. Their ancestors' home was more brutal than anyone had imagined.

No matter the relationship her and Bellamy had after they first arrived, she could clearly see that he cared for her.

He came to see her several times a day, but Clarke had still felt very isolated the past two days. And it wasn’t that she didn’t have guests, because she did. Bellamy and the people who Bellamy had said where closest to her had come to see her, but she still felt so alone. 

They knew her, but she didn’t know them. Not really. She remembered Jasper with goggles on his forehead and Monty of course, but people like Raven, who hadn’t come down with the delinquents, she didn’t remember at all. Not if she hadn’t known them on the Ark. Since all the guests seemed to know her, she felt sad that she couldn’t give them the Clarke they knew. 

She was exhausted in her attempt to jog her memory by meeting so many people and hearing so many stories about their friendships. Especially since it all turned out to be in vain.

The worst was seeing Octavia’s daughter for the first time. Her niece. She barely even knew Octavia as anything other than as a butterfly-chasing teenager, and now she was a woman. She was a warrior and a mother. 

Gaya didn’t understand why Clarke was acting so odd. The three year old could clearly sense that Clarke wasn’t herself, despite her efforts in not letting the little girl down. 

She was a cute child, but Clarke didn’t know how to interact with her. She couldn’t speak her language and she didn’t really know what to do with children. She’d rarely been around small children on the Ark, let alone been expected to hold them. 

Clarke was thankful that Bellamy quickly saw her discomfort in sitting with Gaya; she really didn’t want the toddler to fall off the bed, what if she hurt her? He took their niece from her and held her for the rest of the visit. 

Not remembering her own niece had been quite a blow.

Sometimes Clarke accidentally asked the wrong questions when her friends visited. She had been told of the big events of the past, but her own memories were still gone and so the details were still lost to her. 

When Jasper and Harper had come to see her they asked about the last thing she remembered, just like everyone else did.

“The last thing I remember is Jasper being speared,” Clarke looked at him when she said that. “I’m happy we managed to save you,” she added with a smile.

“Yeah, me too,” Jasper said. His smile was genuine as he went to squeeze her hand for a moment before he drew back again.

“What happened to your goggles?” Clarke asked, thinking the topic of fashion was safe. She immediately knew she had misjudged the lightness of the question when she saw how shock rippled through Jasper’s face before sadness overtook his features. 

Bellamy and Harper both subconsciously evaded their eyes.

“I’m sorry I...” Clarke started, but Jasper cut in.

“You didn’t know,” Jasper said. He took a deep breath before he elaborating, “After Mount Weather I couldn’t wear them again. Those goggles just didn’t feel like me anymore.” He crossed his arms over his chest. “When Maya died part of me died too. And for a long time that meant the carefree Jasper was gone. Goggles wouldn’t have matched my depressed and alcoholic state.”

“I’m sorry,” Clarke said. She’d been told that she was responsible for Maya’s death, so that would mean she’d inadvertently been responsible for Jasper’s misery too. 

“I know, Clarke. I forgave you a long time ago,” Jasper replied with a small reassuring smile.

Clarke messed up from time to time, but most of her conversations were good. 

No matter how positive her meetings with her friends ended, hearing about how much she’d messed up and how much misery that had brought, made a part of her wish her memories wouldn’t return. 

One thing was knowing that she’d been responsible for those terrors, another was being able to remember doing them.

 

 

* * *

 

 

"Honey?" Clarke’s mom entered the ward. "You’re ready to be discharged, Clarke. But you shouldn’t be alone yet, so Bellamy is coming to pick you up after his guard shift."

Clarke nodded to acknowledge she’d heard her. Then she asked, "He’s on the guard?" She didn’t remember him mentioning that. She just thought they were diplomats. 

"Not normally, no. If it’s too far between your diplomatic trips he tends to add himself to the schedule so he feels useful. Right now he’s doing it to get out of the cabin. He said it was too quiet without you there," Abby replied with a small smile. 

Clarke just nodded again. She didn’t really know how to reply to that.

"Do you like him?" Clarke asked, looking up at her mum with expecting eyes. She had gotten the feeling she did, but she needed to hear it straight from her mom’s mouth.

Abby looked almost confused for a moment before she replied, "I do. I do now. I haven’t always. We didn’t see eye to eye a lot at first, but despite of that I could see how much he loved you. Even before you got together." Abby sent Clarke another small smile at that. "You’re good for each other. And you love each other so much."

Clarke had to fight back a scoff at that. She had a hard time imagining a loving Bellamy. Even though she had seen a whole new him in the past two days of visits, it was hard to shake the image of him as the ego-centrical, carefree chaos-advocate.

Abby looked at Clarke expectingly, as if she was hoping she would explain her expression.

"The Bellamy I remember... his motto was to do whatever the hell he wanted. He was the authority most of the delinquents listened to, but it was still survival of the fittest. It was chaos. And he disagreed with everything I said. He even convinced the delinquents to remove their transmitter bracelets. The Ark would think we were dead. You would think we it wasn’t safe to join us on the ground. He was absolutely infuriating.” Clarke shook her head slightly to herself before she continued. 

“I just have a hard time reconciling that Bellamy with the one I see now, the one I supposedly love. I can see he’s different, but it’s still him. It’s still the face of that person who worked so hard against me, who put our initial survival chance at risk." Clarke looked intently at her mother when she said the next bit. 

"I’m worried about going home with him mom. I don’t know him, but I still know I must’ve loved him and trusted him to move in with him. To marry him. But I’m not that person right now." She let out a big sigh at the end, happy to finally get it off her chest.

"A lot has happened since," Abby said before capturing her daughter’s hand in both of her own. "I know it might seem a bit scary, but I truly believe the best possibility for you to regain your memory is to try to live as you did before. Hopefully that will spark some memories." Abby started running her fingers over her daughter’s hand as she said the next bit.

"Bellamy is your husband, and you truly do love each other. Everyone can vouch for that. Just... give him a chance. Okay?"

"Okay mom. But what if I can’t live with him? Can I stay with you then?"

"You can. But there’s something I need to tell you. Since you haven’t asked me about it, I’m sure Bellamy must’ve decided not to tell you." Abby was now the one not making eye contact. 

“I don’t know why I haven’t told you earlier. Maybe I just didn’t want to drop it all on you at once.”

"Mom. You’re making me nervous."

"Don’t be, sweetheart. It’s alright. I’m trying to tell you that I’m not alone anymore. I’m living with Marcus Kane," Abby said and looked up at her daughter again. Clarke was slightly apprehensive.

"We’re... A couple." Abby added when Clarke didn’t say anything.

"How could... Mom? Why? I... Dad just died!" Clarke sputtered out. Her anger didn’t only surprise Abby, it surprised Clarke too.

"He died five years ago, honey," Abby said, trying to reason with her daughter.

"It doesn’t feel that way to me," Clarke simply said. "Can you... Can you please leave?"

Abby gave her a small nod and got up from the chair beside her daughter. She was clearly hurt by Clarke’s outburst, but understood the complexity of the situation. 

Clarke was in a vulnerable position; everything in her life had changed, from the the place she lived, down to who her mother shared her life with. 

Before Abby left the room she turned to say, "Bellamy will pick you up in a few hours. He’s gonna bring you a change of clothes." At that she left Clarke to her solitude again.

Clarke picked up the book by the side of her bed. Bellamy had brought her a few books the second time he’d come to visit her. It was just one of the many small gestures that made her less alarmed about sleeping under the same roof as him. Despite that, the thought still troubled her.

He’d said the book was one of her favourites, though she couldn’t remember ever picking it up before. "You’ve previously said that you wished you could experience this book for the first time again. Consider this you lucky break," he’d said with a wink and a grin, though she could see in his eyes that despite the joke, he was worried.

The first 70 pages were a bit of a drag, but soon the story picked up, and before she knew it she was half way through. That’s when Bellamy knocked on the door to the ward and entered.

"Hi Princess," he greeted her with the old taunt, but little did she know it had become a term of endearment. 

He noticed her slight frown at the nickname and explained. "Sorry. I didn’t realise I hadn’t called you that while you’d been awake. It probably doesn’t not mean the same to you as it means to us now."

Clarke shook her head slightly. "You only called me that to taunt me, to push me apart from the others from the dropship so they would relate to you more and follow your lead instead of mine." She looked up at him with a small smile, "But if it’s what you normally call me, then you should. I want to get my memory back, and I don’t want to stop anything that can help spark that."

"I’ll ease you into it," Bellamy said with a smile of his own. He placed a small pile of clothes on the bed next to her. "I brought you something to wear."

"Thanks," Clarke said, and swung her legs over the side of the bed.

"Woah, woah, woah, easy there. Have you even been out of bed since you woke up?" Bellamy rested one of his large hands on her bare thigh to stop her from jumping off the bed. When she looked at his hand on her bare skin an involuntary blush spread over her cheeks.

"You need to take it easy," Bellamy said and lifted his hand from her thigh and offered it to her instead. "Use me for support if you need it." She grasped his hand before setting her feet on the ground. 

She groaned a bit at first. Her muscles felt stiff and weak after several days without use, but she soon let go of Bellamy’s warm hand. 

She looked at him for a while and he just stared back, until she said, "I kinda need to change", gesturing down her long, plain hospital gown. 

His eyes widened for a moment of realisation before rubbing the back of his neck and saying, "Sorry. I’ll give you some privacy." With that he left her alone in the ward to change.

When she’d jumped in the blue jeans and beige jumper he’d brought for her, she went into the hallway, finding him waiting for her. His head whipped up as he heard her coming and a huge, happy smile spread over his face. She must admit that Bellamy looked much less of an asshole like that than how she remembered his smiles looked from their first week on the ground.

"Where do you wanna start?" Bellamy asked while he pushed off the wall.

"What do you mean?" she asked back. She wasn’t sure if they were usually able to read each other’s minds, but Clarke clearly didn’t know him that well right now.

"Do you want the full tour of the camp now or do you just want to head back to our cabin right away?" He clarified as he moved closer to her.

Clarke worried her lip between her teeth for a moment and glanced at the door. She wasn’t sure if she was ready to face a whole camp of people who knew her while she didn’t remember knowing them, but she wasn’t happy to be alone with Bellamy in _their_ cabin just yet.

"We’ve told them all out your situation. In broad stokes," Bellamy said with a smile. Maybe they really could read each other’s minds, like some couples could. "We told them not to smother you as soon as you got out. They all want to help you regain your memory, but I knew you would worry about talking to all those people you can’t remember."

Clarke smiled at him and let out a big sigh, "Thank you." 

She started moving towards the door and Bellamy fell in step with her by her side. She couldn’t deny how natural it felt. Like a flicker of her subconsciousness remembered having him by her side. 

"I’m curious about the... village," Clarke said before they made it to the door of the repurposed Ark station.

"A tour it is. Then we can end the tour with our cabin," Bellamy said, but Clarke only replied with a small nod. She felt funny about sharing a cabin with him, but she did want her memories back. 

If Bellamy could sense her worry about the cabin he didn’t mention it.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to look up as much Trigedasleng as possible, but I made up my own words to fill in the gaps. If you know what the words should be instead, please message me so I can correct it. I would love for it to be as accurate as possible.

Bellamy showed her every nook and cranny of the village and when people greeted them he introduced her to them. He showed her the kitchens, the guard’s training rooms, the fields, the garage, the stables. 

"There are horses? _We_ have _horses_?" Clarke said in awe as her face lit up in wonder.

"Yeah. We have four now," Bellamy replied as he let her to the pens. "The first one here is Octavia’s," he said as he pet the mare’s mane, “Her name is Helios.”

"She’s beautiful," Clarke said as she reached out to pet the horse herself.

For a moment Bellamy forgot about the fact that Clarke couldn’t remember her life with him and just revelled in her absolute wonder. He introduced her to the other horses too, showed her their two cows, and told her about their sheep and chickens before he led them out of the stables again.

They ran into Lincoln and Gaya on their way back to their cabin. Clarke was happy for any postponement of seeing her and Bellamy’s shared home. Seeing it would make it more real, and she wasn’t ready to be married to her old rival just yet.

"Auntie Klark! Auntie Klark!" Gaya exclaimed excitedly when she saw her aunt. She reached for Clarke, almost throwing herself out of Lincoln’s arms. Lincoln was well aware of Clarke’s slight alarm about holding the child, so instead of handing Gaya directly over to her aunt as he normally would, he asked her if she was alright to hold her before handing her over.

When Clarke held little Gaya this time she was more at ease. She was less weak from days in coma and less confused about the situation.

As soon as Gaya was in Clarke’s arms she threw her short arms around her aunt and kissed her cheek, "Ai don mis yu, auntie Klark." Clarke looked up at Lincoln and Bellamy, and Bellamy quickly cut in.

"She says she missed you," Bellamy clarified. Clarke sent Bellamy a smile of thanks before she looked back at the little girl. She couldn’t help but smile at the brown eyed angel.

"How do I say ‘thanks’?" Clarke asked, not taking her eyes from the little charmer.

"It’s ‘Mochof’," Lincoln said with a smile.

"Mochof, Gaya," Clarke said to her little niece. The little girl threw her arms around Clarke again. It was clear to Clarke that they had a special relationship.

“We’re teaching her English too, but Octavia likes to practice her Trigedasleng, so we end up mostly speaking that at home,” Lincoln told Clarke. 

“You’re gonna be a little bilingual genius, aren’t you Gaya?” Clarke cooed at her niece. The child just smiled back at her and nodded, clearly just replying what she thought her aunt wanted of her.

Clarke was quickly warming up to the little Gaya but she was still slightly apprehensive about the big grounder man before her. 

The only thing she knew about his people, from personal experience, was that they liked to throw spears through people first and ask questions later. The stories Bellamy had told her about their life and culture set her more at ease, and it was clear to her that Lincoln was a good soul. She really wished she could remember him.

"Last night she wanted to sleep over at your guys’," Lincoln said and sent them both a smile, "We told her it would be a while until that was possible, that her auntie Clarke was still ill."

"Does she sleep with us a lot?" Clarke asked.

"You take her about once a week when you’re not travelling, but she hasn’t been over in a while," Lincoln answered.

Clarke looked up at him and sent him a smile when she said, "Maybe soon." 

She handed Gaya back to her dad, before her and Bellamy said their goodbyes and made their way to their cabin.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The cabin was bigger than she expected. They had their own living room area and a section to the side that looked to be a kitchen of sorts. Bellamy explained that they didn’t have indoor plumbing yet, but that was their next big restoration of the village and the plan was to begin next spring. In the back of the cabin were two doors.

"This is our bedroom," Bellamy said and opened the first door for her. "I built the bed and you hunted the deer and panthers for the blankets." Bellamy had a pleased expression on his face.

“I hunt?” Clarke asked, slightly surprised by the new information. She’d never seen herself as a hunter.

“You do,” Bellamy replied. “And you’re good at it too. It’s one of things you like to do when you need space from the village.”

“I couldn’t imagine hunting. How do I even... How do I do it?” Clarke’s interest had been peaked. She was fairly certain that she wouldn’t hunt with guns.

“You prefer spears or swords. You developed a bit of a technique when you... lived by yourself those three months.” Bellamy ran a hand through his hair at the mention of those months when she’d left. It was clear to Clarke that it wasn’t a time he liked to talk about much.

"It’s nice. The bedroom," Clarke said, trying to change the subject. She didn’t move further into the room. It felt too private a space. It didn’t feel like a room she was allowed in; like when she had been in the bedroom of her childhood friend’s parents.

She took a couple of steps back, retreating from the room before asking "And what’s the other room?" She eyed the door slightly.

"It used to be my room, before we got together. It’s a guest room for now," Bellamy replied.

"For now?" Clarke knew there was a deeper meaning to those last words, though when he replied she wished she hadn’t pointed it out.

"Yeah," Bellamy said, rubbing his neck and looking anywhere but her face. He took a deep breath before he said, "We were gonna make it into a nursery." He looked up into her eyes and she could see the pain in his.

"A nursery," she said as her eyes widened slightly in alarm. She didn’t breathe for a moment and she subconsciously moved her hand to her stomach. 

Before she could work herself even more into a panic Bellamy clarified, "We were trying, but you’re not pregnant yet." 

Clarke let out a breath she didn’t even know she had been holding and her eyes closed for a moment to calm herself.

When she opened her eyes again, she noticed how Bellamy’s whole demeanour had shifted into sadness. He tried not to let it show, but it was clear that Clarke’s reaction pained him. The woman he loved and was trying to conceive a baby with no longer loved him, no longer wanted a baby with him. It hurt him all the way to his very core and his heart clenched in sorrow.

Neither of them said anything.

Bellamy walked out of their bedroom and closed the door after him before he went to the other door to show her the guest room. The bed didn’t have a frame, only a madras filled with blankets and pelts and to the side was what looked to be a half-finished crib.

“Were you building that?” Clarke asked in what she hoped was an interested tone while she eyed the furniture. 

“Yeah,” he said with a sad smile, “We only just started trying, but I couldn’t wait to prepare.” He looked back up at her and she tried to send him a reassuring smile.

“I built one for Gaya when she was a baby, so I’m trying to follow the same structure. I made a few improvements, but it’s more or less the same,” Bellamy added before closing the door to the spare room again.

Clarke started feeling awkward as the silence settled around them. She didn’t know what to do or what to say. Luckily Bellamy broke the silence before she started to fill it with awkward small talk.

“I think you should sleep in our bedroom tonight. It might help you to sleep in your own bed.” As Bellamy said this Clarke’s eyes widened slightly in concern. 

“I’m gonna sleep in the guest room,” Bellamy quickly amended, aware of Clarke’s obvious discomfort. “It used to be my room anyway.”

“Okay,” Clarke replied and folded her arms over her chest when it reminded of her conversation with her mum earlier in the day. It was a conversation that had meant sleeping in her mother’s cabin probably wasn’t an option.

“How long has my mum been with Kane?” Clarke asked with an intense expression.

Bellamy sucked in a tiny breath, but it was clear he had neglected to tell her that piece of information on purpose.

“How did you kn-”

“My mom told me,” Clarke interrupted. “But I told her to leave the room before I got more of the story.”

Bellamy took in a deep breath only to let it out in a long sigh. He raked his hand through his hair once and scratched his neck. It couldn’t be more obvious that he had been dreading this conversation, but Clarke was still angry about having been left out of the loop.

“I thought it was your mom’s place to tell you, but I guess she did that now.” When Clarke didn’t reply he continued. “It happened while you were away... In those three months I told you about. They’d worked together a lot... to lead our people. You didn’t really understand it at first, but you came around when you saw how happy he made your mom.”

“So they’re happy together?” Clarke asked tentatively.

“They are,” Bellamy said with a resolution to his tone that lifted an invisible weight off Clarke’s shoulders. She didn’t know Kane all that much personally, but she did want her mother to be happy and now she’d had time to process it, she did recognise that her dad had been dead for a while.

Clarke nodded and said, “Good. That’s good.” She uncrossed her arms before she said, “Thank you Bellamy. For all this. For being so understanding.”

“Of course. It’s no problem. I love you. I just want you to be happy.” His reassuring smile made her feel more at ease and his words made her heart flutter in an unexpected way. Who’d had thought Bellamy Blake would ever tell her he loved her? 

Clarke looked away. She couldn’t look at him right now. It was too painful to know she was supposed to love him back and that he loved her so much without her returning those feelings.

“When is supper?” Clarke asked as a distraction.

Bellamy cleared his throat before he said, “In about an hour.” He stepped a bit closer to her. “We can go see if they need help in the kitchens?”

“Yeah, let’s do that,” Clarke replied, happy with the prospect of not being more alone with Bellamy right now.

On their way to the kitchens Bellamy continued talking about their village, as he’d done on the tour he gave her, which Clarke was grateful for. She was, however, saddened by the fact that nothing sparked her memory.

The people preparing food for the evening were also happy to explain things to their amnesiac quasi-leader, but nothing they said rang a bell either.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

When dinner was made, Bellamy asked her if she wanted to take their food back to their cabin or eat in the common area. Clarke was very tempted to go home with him, dejected by not remembering anything, doubtful that she would ever get her memory back. 

But instead of being brought down by her failure, it made her more stubborn instead, so she told Bellamy she wanted to eat in the common area with the people they knew. Bellamy lead her to a table filled with, mostly, familiar faces.

Monty and Miller were both people she remembered from her past, but she was surprised to see them draped over each other. Jasper was also there and she was happy to see him again. Raven was there too, but the beautiful mechanic was someone Clarke couldn’t remember from her past.

“Clarke!” Monty exclaimed excitedly with a big smile on his face. The whole table looked up at her and Raven she jumped up and threw her arms around Clarke in a tight hug.

“Hi?” said Clarke uncertain of the situation.

“You have got to be kidding me,” she said when she moved away from Clarke. She sounded slightly annoyed, like Clarke’s response to her hug was an inconvenience. 

“Don’t tell me you haven’t sparked her memory yet, Blake!” Raven said and playfully pushed Bellamy in the chest. 

“And how would you suggest I do that? Huh?” Bellamy said cheerfully, clearly used to this kind of treatment from the woman.

“How about a hot make-out session?” the woman said with a smirk and a wink. It was clear that she was holding herself back, that she would have suggested something more x-rated if it wasn’t for the fact that Clarke’s uncomfortableness over the situation was clear. Though the censored version didn’t make Clarke feel less uncomfortable.

“Raven!” Bellamy exclaimed and Raven just scrunched up her nose at him. She turned to look at Clarke again and said, “So have you remembered anything new?”

Raven went to sit at her spot on the bench again and Clarke moved in after her.

“No. Nothing. But I’ve only just been released. Maybe going through the motions will help,” Clarke answered. The reply already felt like a mechanical response to her; it was what everyone asked and what everyone wanted to hear.

They all talked about what they’d been up to since the last thing Clarke could remember and Raven filled in some more blanks about how their relationship started out bumpy and what happened to Finn.

While some of the things she heard still made her not want to ever get her memory back, other things made her long for a closer relationship with these people who seemed to call her their friend.

They made her smile and laugh, and almost forget that she had forgotten so much.

When they went to sleep that night, Clarke got consumed by sleep faster than she expected, despite being off painkillers for the first night since waking up; a lot had happened that day and all the new information she’d processed made her mind need the rest.

Bellamy tossed and turned for a while before he fell asleep; he missed his wife by his side.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Three hours after they’d said goodnight, Bellamy was ripped from his sleep by heartbreakingly familiar sounds. He heard the screams first, then the sobs, and then screams again.

He was up from the guest bedroom madras and heading into their bedroom before he knew it. It was pure reflex; it was what he’d done so many times when they’d first moved in together.

Clarke was still asleep, but he recognised those nightmares. She was still thrashing around, sobbing, when he reached their bed. 

“Clarke. Clarke, honey,” he said carefully as he approached the bed. She didn’t wake up. He was now close enough to see the tears streaming down her face.

He crawled in next to her and held her firmly in his arms, “Shhh, honey, shhh. It’s just a dream. It’s just a nightmare.”

He rocked her soothingly back and forth as she came to. Her uncontrollable sobbing subsided and she started to sniffle instead. 

Her hands came up, wanting to grab a hold of something to anchor her to him, but he wasn’t wearing a shirt as she expected. Her hand moved up to his neck instead and she buried her face in his chest.

“What did we do, Bell? All those dead bodies. There were so many kids. They were just kids.” Another sob broke from her chest.

“Shhh, Princess. I know. I know.” He kissed the top of her head and kept rocking her. After a while her breathing returned to a normal rate and she seemed to be back in the present, though she didn’t let go of Bellamy.

“Tell me it was all just a nightmare. Please,” she begged with her voice muffled against his skin.

Bellamy shook his head slightly as he said, “I wish I could, Princess. Believe me, I do.” He could feel the fresh tears leave her eyes as they fell against his chest.

“You told me about Mount Weather and how I reacted after, but I didn’t know it was that bad. That doing what we did felt like that.”

Bellamy started stroking her hair as he continued to cradle her against him.

“It was a terrible thing, but we did what he had to. Our plan with the grounders fell through and the Mountain Men would never have stopped killing us. We did what we had to do to save our people.” He kissed her hair again before he said, “And whatever you think, whatever you feel... We made that decision together. We pulled that lever _together_.” Bellamy’s voice was thick with sadness.

Clarke nodded slightly against him.

“I’m sorry you had to go through that again,” Bellamy said after he’d cleared his throat. “You’ve mostly made peace with your past now. The nightmares happen further and further apart.”

Clarke sighed and removed her hand from Bellamy’s neck and tilted her head back to look at his face. “At least I remembered something, Bellamy. My memories can’t be completely gone.” She smiled through her tears, the ambivalence of the situation plain on her face. 

Bellamy only sent a small smile back. As happy as he was that she remembered, she’d even called him “Bell”, he hated that she had to go through the nightmares again.

He heard Clarke take a breath, as if she was about to say something, only to let it out again.

“What is it?” he asked, looking down at her.

“I...” she started, but was clearly not sure how to ask. “Will you stay?”

“Of course, Princess. Anything you need,” Bellamy replied and scooted down to lie beside Clarke and shifted the blankets around them to cover them both. He kept his arms around her and she laid her head on his arm.

“You can go back to sleep now, honey. I’m right here,” Bellamy said and kissed Clarke’s hair before closing his eyes.

It didn’t take Clarke long to fall back to sleep, despite being slightly flustered by resting against Bellamy’s naked chest. Her body, however, remembered him, remembered his comfort and the safety he provided, and as soon as Clarke’s brain relaxed, so did she, as she fell into a peaceful sleep.

Clarke slept through the rest of the night without nightmares.

Bellamy slept better than he had in days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know Clarke isn’t rejecting Bellamy that much (in my head, when I plotted this out, she rejected him more, but I’m so bad at drama and unreasonable arguments), but he has changed a lot since they first met and she can clearly see that he loves her. Also, she’s trying her best to get her memories back and knows Bellamy is her best bet. And, she’s not oblivious to their chemistry, even back when they were always bickering and disagreeing. AND part of her feels that she used to be married to Bellamy. It’s in the back of her mind, but she just can’t quite remember how it felt.
> 
> Please let me know how you felt about this chapter! It would mean the world to me.
> 
> Also, you can always come find me on tumblr: [autumnkru](http://autumnkru.tumblr.com)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once more, there is Trigedasleng in a chapter, and once more I'll ask you to bear with me. If you do, however, know Trigedasleng you are more than welcome to contact me with any corrections. Thanks.

The next night Clarke had nightmares again, but this time she woke before Bellamy could hear her. 

Tears were streaming silently down her face as more and more of the horrors of her past came back to her.

She tried to fall back to sleep, but every single time she tried she would have nightmares again, and every single time she’d wake up crying.

Clarke was exhausted the next day. The night had been mostly sleepless and filled with images of death and despair. Bellamy noticed her sleep-deprived state as soon as she exited their bedroom.

“’You okay?” he asked and walked to her. As hard as it was for her letting her guard down around Bellamy, she was too exhausted to care.

She started shaking her head slightly before he made it to her, and he cradled her head in his hands. She let him. She needed the comfort.

Her eyes filled with tears again. She was surprised she had enough left after the night she’d had. His concern was touching and made her feel safe.

“I dreamt about Wanheda last night.” The tears in her eyes spilled over and Bellamy caught them, wiping them off her face with his thumbs. “I did so many things in that name... playing that... _role.”_

“I know. But you had a plan, Clarke. Don’t forget that. You did a lot of bad things, but you always had the best of intentions,” Bellamy said. He leaned in, kissed her temple, and hugged her close. Her body visibly relaxed into his, subconsciously craving his affection and support.

“This world was a lot tougher than we thought I’d be. It shaped us into something we couldn’t have seen coming. You’re not the only one who regrets their actions. I’ve barely even touched upon all the bad decisions I’ve made.” 

Clarke hugged Bellamy back and held him closer as she heard how affected he was, his voice got more gruff as he started to tell her that he’d done terrible things too.

Bellamy spoke into her neck as he said the next thing. He wasn’t strong enough to say it to her face, but he needed to tell her. “I’m afraid to tell you about it, Clarke.” He paused for a moment and took in deep breath before continuing. 

“Since you don’t remember... I just... I don’t want you to hate me before you love me again.” Clarke suddenly felt something wet on her neck. It seemed they both were crying now.

“I couldn’t hate you Bellamy. Not now. Not anymore.” Clarke squeezed him closer to underline her words.

“I might not really know you, but... I don’t _not_ know you either. I can’t explain it, but I couldn’t imagine doing this without you.” Clarke broke away for the first time since Bellamy had approached her. She wanted to see his face again. Both their eyes were red and wet.

“When I first woke up, I considered asking my mum if I could live with her and ask you to stay away,” Clarke said, and hurt flashed over Bellamy’s eyes before she could continue. “But now I know I can’t do this without you. It’s not something I can explain. I just... feel it.”

Bellamy smiled slightly when she was done. “Good,” he said, “cause I couldn’t imagine not helping you.”

“Good,” Clarke replied with a smile.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The next night was the last night Clarke tried to deal with her nightmares on her own. She had woken up quietly from her first nightmare, but knew she couldn’t fall into a peaceful sleep, at least not on her own, so with only a tiny bit of internal debate, she got up and went to Bellamy’s room.

She couldn’t do with yet another night without sleep, and she knew how much of a calming effect Bellamy had had on her the first night of nightmares.

It was either Bellamy or sleep meds and she preferred not to wake her mom up in the middle of the night for sedatives. Especially when she knew Bellamy would do the trick.

She tabbed carefully on the door and poked her head in, but saying his name didn’t rouse him from his sleep, so she stepped closer.

When he still hadn’t noticed her, she decided to lie down next to him, almost certain he wouldn’t turn her away, though she was still nervous of that possibility.

Clarke lifted up the blankets and got in next to him. He was on his side, so she decided to press her back against his chest and move his arm over her in hopes that he could anchor her to him for the night so she could avoid the bad dreams of her past.

“Clarke?” Bellamy whispered when she moved up against him.

“I couldn’t sleep,” she whispered back.

“Nightmares again?”

“Yeah,” she replied as she moved his arm around her. 

“Can I stay here?” she asked uncertain.

“Of course,” Bellamy said and held her close against his chest, “You can go to sleep now. I’ve got you.”

It almost felt like a miracle, how sleeping in Bellamy’s arms made her feel safe, and despite not really feeling like she knew him, she felt loved too.

She dreamt about cherry blossoms and an abandoned amusement park, and slept all through the night.

The next evening she didn’t let Bellamy go to his own room. Before they went to bed she asked him if he would be alright with sleeping in their bedroom with her. Bellamy was happy with anything that would being him closer to his emotionally estranged wife, anything that could help her, anything that made her feel safe.

Clarke would still get the nightmares, but reaching for her husband was easier now.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

In the days that followed Clarke enjoyed walking around Arkadia, seeing how well the village worked. People were busy with their individual jobs, but not busy enough to not stop up and talk to each other or say hi to Clarke. 

She was happy that all of this was partly because of her, because of the missions she and Bellamy went on.

The settlement was much different from how the Ark had ever been. It was better than Clarke had ever imagined life on the ground would be. 

Children were playing or helping the adults when they weren’t in the schools or training facilities. Seeing all that life in the village was uplifting and reassuring; no matter what Clarke had remembered doing in her nightmares, she hadn’t messed up to an extent so severe that these people didn’t have good lives.

Clarke’s peaceful stroll was interrupted by sound of horns blowing and Clarke instinctively whipped her head towards the gates where she saw the guards gather around.

Bellamy, who seemed to come out of nowhere, grabbed her hand, and lead her towards the gates.

“We have guests,” Bellamy said, tagging Clarke along.

“Guests?” Clarke repeated as she removed her hand from his. The action had been a reflex for Bellamy, but Clarke still didn’t feel like she knew him enough to hold his hand yet, despite sleeping up against him every night.

Bellamy glanced a look at her hand before he replied. “Sorry, I didn’t think,” he said and gestured to her hand.

“I understand. I’m just not... quite... _there_ ,” Clarke replied with a consoling smile. Bellamy nodded.

“So, who are these guests?” Clarke asked again. They were almost at the gate, but she couldn’t see anyone.

“The scouts in the forest have spotted someone. The horn signalled that they’re friendly guests, so we shouldn’t be alarmed when they approach the village,” Bellamy replied, once again happy to help her fill in the gaps, but saddened by the fact that it was necessary.

“So you don’t know who they are?” Clarke asked.

“No. Not yet. We aren’t expecting anyone. But it’s a klan we’re friendly with, otherwise the guard post wouldn’t have let them pass without an escort to the gate. That’s what the signal from the horn meant. There are other signals for other situations.”

“Clarke! Bellamy!” Miller greeted them as they made it to the gate.

“Miller,” Bellamy acknowledged his friend with a nod and a pad on the back. “So, what do we have?”

“Not sure yet. They haven’t come through the tree line yet. You two ready?” Miller asked, looking between Bellamy and Clarke with a smile.

Bellamy turned towards Clarke and said, “If you’re not comfortable-”

“-no, no,” Clarke cut him off, “It’s fine! Just... tell me what I need to do,” she said with a firm expression. The guards opened the gate and they went though, Miller in tow.

“Let me take the lead,” Bellamy said. “And let’s try not to let them know you have amnesia. But it depends on the situation and who it is, of course. We shouldn’t outright lie to them. That’s practically in ‘Ambassador for Dummies’.” 

The humorous comment made Clarke chuckle, which led Miller to send Bellamy a supportive look. Maybe making Clarke fall in love with him again could be done.

A group of four grounders emerged from the forest. 

“Good,” Miller said, sounding as relieved as Miller could sound. “It’s the Floukru.”

“The Boat People. They’re some of the people we’re closest with,” Bellamy turned his head to tell Clarke. She was thankful he never forgot to include her. “Not that we’re really _friends_ with any tribes, but they’re probably the closest we get to it. -except for the Trikru, that is.”

It didn’t take long until the grounders were close enough to speak to without shouting. The tall, dark woman walking in the front greeted them in a friendly tone and with a smile on her face. “Belomi! Klark! Milla! Heya ai Trikru lukot.”

“Heya Wila,” Bellamy said and Clarke quickly picked up the words with a “Heya” of her own.

She tried not to stare. She really did. But she needed to take it all in. 

Their clothes were amazing. There were so many details, so many straps and buckles, and they clearly all served a functional purpose. Their hair was short and stylish, also serving a purpose as well as expressing an attitude. 

Clarke’s fingers twitched for something to draw with.

“What brings you this way?” Bellamy asked, switching to English immediately, to Clarke’s great relief. “We weren’t expecting you.”

“We’re just coming through this way. We haven’t seen you in a long while and we were hoping we could spend the night in your village,” Willa replied with a sweet smile for both Bellamy, Clarke, and Miller.

“Of course, come on in,” Bellamy said and turned to walk back to the village with the group of grounders in tow.

The topic of Clarke’s amnesia didn’t come up until after dinner. She’d avoided the grounders all afternoon, but her and Bellamy had agreed that it would look suspicious if she stayed away from the bonfire that night, a common way to socialise with visiting tribes.

Clarke was sitting alone by the fire when Klova, one of the girls from the grounder party who had been standing in the back when they arrived, began speaking Trigedasleng to her. Clarke almost panicked; no one she knew was in the immediate vicinity.

Clarke began with, “I’m sorry, but I’m a bit rusty,” but that just made the blonde grounder laugh. 

“Chit yu sei? Yu chich op slengde meizen!” she said in good spirit, but Clarke just stared at her. Klova sobered from her laugh and looked sceptically at Clarke with her big, blue eyes. 

“Are you making fun at me, Clarke?” she asked when Clarke didn’t respond.

“No, unfortunately not. I...” Clarke looked around, trying to find Bellamy in the crowd, but couldn’t. She had do this one her own then, hoping she wouldn’t say something that could hurt their relations to the Floukru. “...I hit my head about a week ago. I’ve had trouble remembering things ever since.”

“Really?” the grounder asked surprised. Clarke nodded with an apologetic expression on her face.

“So, what kinds of things did you forget?” the grounder asked her. She seemed friendly, and spoke to her like she knew her, so Clarke wasn’t too apprehensive when she decided to reply her. She did, however, decide it was best not to tell her she forgot she was Wanheda. According to Bellamy, the terrible legend was a great source of respect amongst many of their grounder relations.

“A lot. I don’t remember the language. I don’t remember Arkadia. I’m sorry to say I don’t remember you.” Klova’s eyes saddened when Clarke said that.

“I don’t even remember being married to Bellamy,” Clarke added that last bit with wry smile and sad eyes, hoping it would make Klova feel better for not being remembered.

Something changed in Klova’s face, but her expression was hard to read; like there was a reaction she was trying to hide.

“This sounds like something we should talk about over a drink,” Klova said and pulled a flask from her coat. She took a swig of it before handing it over to Clarke. 

“I’m Klova,” she said with a smile.

“Nice to meet you, Klova,” Clarke said.

Clarke lifted Klova’s flask up to her nose to smell it before she decided on tasting it. It smelled like cinnamon and alcohol, but as Clarke took her own sip she could taste a lot of other spices too as the liquid went down her throat.

Clarke coughed a bit and said, “This has a bit of a kick to it!”

Klova smiled at Clarke as she said, “It does. It’s one of my favourite mixtures. This one is what was left from the winter batch from our neighbour village, so it came cheap. It’s anise,fennel, cinnamon, and ginger.”

“It’s good,” Clarke offered with a smile of her own. Klova nodded in agreement. 

“So... You do not remember your husband?” Klova asked. She was leaning slightly closer to Clarke, interested in her reply.

“I do remember him, I just don’t remember being in love with him.” Clarke felt like she’d overstepped some invisible line, like she’d just aired her and Bellamy’s dirty underwear, but Klova just sat up a bit straighter, pushed her chest out bit. Her hand came up and rested by her face, not quite leaning on it. She took another sip of her flash before handing it back to Clarke.

“So you don’t feel like he is your husband?” Klova asked interested.

“No I don’t. But it’s hard to explain,” Clarke said. “I trust him, but I don’t know him like he knows me, and it’s just hard when everyone expects me to regain my memory any moment now. Even though everyone is so nice and understanding... It kind of makes it worse, you know. There is a lot of pressure on me to remember, but what if I never do?”

Klova took another sip as she listened. Clarke smiled a bit as she said the next bit.

“It’s nice being able to tell someone this. I haven’t... articulated how this made me feel before. I just feel so alone amongst a village of people who love me. Even when I’m with my friends, with the man who’s supposed to be my _husband,_ I feel so alone.”

Klova handed Clarke the flask and stated, “They only see the person you are not, they don’t see you for _you_.”

“Exactly. It’s exhausting trying to remember something every single time someone brings a new piece of information up. But I don’t remember _anything_.” Clarke cut herself off and looked off to the side. There was one thing she seemed to remember.

“What is it?” Klova asked.

“Well... I have remembered some things... in my dreams, but they’re all nightmares. Bellamy tells me they’re memories though.”

“Oh,” Klova handed the flash back to Clarke again, “So you only remember the bad things from your past? That does not give you much of an incentive to want to remember.”

“I guess it doesn’t.” Clarke took a big gulp from the flask and decided to change to topic of conversation. “We should talk about something more uplifting. Tell me about you. Tell me about the Floukru.”

And she did. Klova told her about every detail about her village and about her people’s customs. She only talked about Clarke’s visits to the sea and the times they’d met when Clarke asked. It was nice for a change, with an, almost, clean slate.

They were sitting close, laughing, when Bellamy interrupted them.

“Clarke. Can I see you for a moment?” His voice was slightly strained, though there was a smile on his face. The smile was purely out of politeness, that much was clear. His eyes shifted between Clarke and Klova.

“Everything alright?” Clarke asked as she looked up at Bellamy from her spot next to Klova.

“I just need to talk to you,” he said with pleading eyes.

“Okay,” Clarke said and got up. She turned to Klova before she left and said, “Thanks for the chat.”

Klova smiled and nodded, though she didn’t look too happy about Bellamy taking her away. That was particularly evident when Klova turned her gaze to Bellamy and the smile didn’t reach her eyes any more.

They were halfway to their cabin when Clarke couldn’t stand the silence any more. Something seemed off with Bellamy.

“Are you sure everything is alright?” She asked. She was two paces behind him in his determined walk towards their home. They’d moved away from the social mingling around the bonfire to the more deserted residential area.

He didn’t reply, which seemed odd to her. The Bellamy she’d gotten to know in the past week had been nothing but calm, kind, and supportive, answering all the questions she had and making her feel at home in this unfamiliar place. She now saw a snippet of the man she’d known when they first landed; a boy ruled by his emotions.

“Bellamy!” she called and grabbed a hold of his arm. He stopped, but didn’t turn to face her until he’d taken a deep breath. His shoulders rose and fell with the action.

When he finally turned to face her, she saw his eyes were sad and his jaw was clenched.

“Bellamy?” She asked uncertain, her voice was barely over a whisper. 

Bellamy’s expression softened slightly and he ran a hand over his face in an attempt to clear his mind.

“Sorry. Clarke... I...” He was unsure of what to say, how to explain.

“Did something happen?” Clarke asked, anxious for an explanation.

“She was all over you Clarke.” The pained expression on Bellamy’s face was back.

“What?” Surprise overcame her. Of all the things Bellamy could have said at the point, that was not what she’d expected.

“Klova wants you Clarke!” Bellamy was getting short tempered again, fuelled by his worry and his tendency to act impulsively on his feelings. _That_ was something she knew from _her_ Bellamy.

Clarke was about to ask “What?” but the word died in her throat and her lips only made the movement for the W. Clarke’s eyes moved all over the place while she tried to piece Klova’s actions all through their convocations together. Some things made more sense now.

“She’s been after you before, but this time...” he added.

“Are you... jealous?” Clarke asked when she finally got her thoughts collected.

“Of course I am! I love you, Clarke!” Bellamy winched once he’d said the words and then let out a shaky laugh. It was a sad sound, a nervous sound. He knew it was ridiculous. He did. He ran a hand through his hair and looked her straight in the eyes.

“This was never part of our relationship. We have never been _really_ jealous before. We trust each other, love each other. I just...” Bellamy took a deep breath before he continued, “I want to believe you wouldn’t fall in love with someone else, I really do, because I want you to be in love with me. But you don’t know me right now and you don’t love me. And I can’t help being afraid that you will leave me, that you will fall in love with someone else and never come back to me. I need you Clarke. I can’t do this without you. I need you.”

“Bellamy...” Clarke didn’t know what to say. Her heart hurt for him. She had only known this version of him for a week, but it was obvious that Bellamy was a passionate soul, driven by his feelings. He was nothing like the selfish person he had tried to be the first week on the ground. That had been a ruse, a way to gain the upper-hand and keep his sister safe -the only person that had mattered to him at that point. He’d told her as much.

Bellamy had so many emotions running through him all the time. He had a heart of gold that beat for his people, his friends, her. She didn’t want him to be sad. She didn’t want him to hurt.

“Clarke,” he said and took a step closer to her. He took her hands in his, and she let him this time. 

“I want you to get to know me better. Will you do that? Will you go on a date with me?” he asked. There was a “please” hanging thickly in the air between them, expressed only by the wordless plea of his eyes. 

A smile spread over Clarke’s face, her heart started to beat faster. She didn’t know why, but this was what she wanted. Deep inside, this was what she really wanted.

“Yes. I’d like that, Bellamy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve always seen Clarke as being a tiny bit clueless about who is interested in her. Especially when there’s another goal at hand. In season 3 she does take charge in regards to Niylah, but in this fic we have back-to-basics Clarke, and I see her as more in the dark about the possibility of people around her having romantic/sexual feelings towards her. To me she seemed caught very much off guard when Lexa kissed her. -this is why I had her not realise Klova was hitting on her. I have blissfully forgotten Finn’s interactions with her in season 1, but I have the firm idea that he was the one who pursued her.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading this. Kudos/comments give fic-writers life, so please leave me a little note.
> 
> You are also more than welcome to come chat with me on tumblr: [autumnkru.tumblr.com](http://autumnkru.tumblr.com)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry I haven't updated in a long time. Uni has been very busy. I've also joined a network on tumblr and our [The 100 Appreciation Week](http://bobmorleyprotectionsquad.tumblr.com/tagged/the100appreciationweek) has kept me a bit busy too.
> 
> With those words I'll leave you to it. Enjoy.

“Where are you taking me?” Clarke asked. The trail through the forest was lovely and Clarke was excited; it was the longest she’d ever been away from Arkadia. As far as she could remember, anyways.

“If I tell you that it wouldn’t be a surprise, now would it, Princess?” Bellamy replied. He was looking very happy with himself. It was obvious that he was thoroughly enjoying that he was going on a date with her; he was practically bouncing in his step.

“But I don’t know the area, Bellamy. I wouldn’t even know what the place is like!” Clarke exclaimed, mostly just for the fun of it. She was curious, but the walk through the forest was really nice so she really didn’t mind enjoying it for a while longer.

In the last few days with Bellamy she’d realised how much she liked their banter. It was carefree and fun, and not at all like the snark she remembered from their first days on Earth. Though looking through this new lens, she was wondering if they’d subconsciously been flirting even then. 

Bellamy didn’t reply, which made Clarke say, “You’re not gonna tell me, are you?”

He looked down at her with a content smile on his face, “Nope!”

She couldn’t help but smile back at him; when Bellamy was in a good mood it was contagious. 

“So... it’s a picnic,” Clarke said. She was stating a fact, rather than asking an actual question, but Bellamy replied anyways.

“Yes. That much is obvious.” He lifted up the basket in his hand for emphasis. Clarke let out an exasperated sigh in response. 

“You’d pick somewhere nice. Somewhere with a nice view...” Clarke was grasping for straws.

“I’ll tell you one thing, I am not taking you up anywhere high. I’m not risking you tripping over your own feet again.” The smirk on his face was genuine, only a pinch of sadness was evident in his eyes.

“Hey! That is _not_ fair!” Clarke said with a laugh. “I’m not that clumsy. I must’ve done alright for the first 4 years on the ground.” Clarke pouted at Bellamy, a move he could never resist, though she wasn’t aware of that at the present moment.

“Alright, alright.” He was laughing back at her. “My apologies, Princess.”

“So it’s not in the mountains. Is it by water?” Clarke asked, not letting up. She was having way to much fun with this. She was really enjoying this Bellamy, this happy, laughing Bellamy.

“I’m not saying anything more,” Bellamy replied.

“It is! Uhhh, I can’t wait to see it!” Clarke exclaimed excitedly. Bellamy smiled and shook his head at her. 

“I don’t wanna hear any more questions about it now. I really want it to be a surprise. Please?” Bellamy said earnestly, and Clarke couldn’t help but grant him his wish.

“Alright. But will you at least tell me how far it is?”

“Another 30 minutes and we’re there.”

“It’s not far from the village. Do we go there a lot?” Clarke asked.

“From time to time. In the beginning it was a nice place to be alone from the village, but since we became the official ambassadors we haven’t had much time. When it’s a slow week and the weather is nice...” he let the sentence trail off and ended it with a shrug. 

“Maybe I’ll remember something,” Clarke said hopefully.

“Maybe.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke was surprised as to how easy it was to talk to Bellamy, how easy it was finding a new topic to debate or analyse with him. They talked the whole way to the picnic spot, making time pass fast.

Without Clarke noticing, Bellamy had placed himself slightly behind her as they exited the forest. Clarke stopped up and gasped as she saw the pond and the meadow. Everything was the prettiest of light greens, the colour only interrupted by patches of white, red, or purple flowers.

“This is beautiful!” Clarke exclaimed when she found her voice. She whipped her head around to look at Bellamy. He was standing to her side, slightly behind her, while he took in her reaction to the sight before them.

Clarke rushed into the meadow, unable to contain her excitement in her stride. She ran her hand over the grass in the places where it was so tall it was within reach, she tried to take it all in; all the colours of the flowers around her, the way the pond glistened in the sun.

When she reached the pond, she bent down and ran her fingers through the water. It wasn’t cold, but she had had warmer. It was still early in the year, but the combination of the forest shielding the meadow from wind and the warm sun quickly heated the small pond.

She spun around to look back at Bellamy. He was walking towards her, but still far away. He’d been taking her reactions in as she’d looked at their meadow and not moved until she was about to turn around.

“Is it monster-safe?” Clarke called out at him with a smile.

“It is. Thinking about jumping in?” The smile on Bellamy’s lips had turned into a smirk and his eyes slowly ran over her body.

Even with the warm rays of the sun, Bellamy’s gaze still made her skin heat up. How different things were now she actually believed he loved her.

“I might be,” Clarke said with her own smile. 

What Clarke really wanted to so was strip down. To remove her jeans and outer layers, leaving her only in her panties and tank top, just like Octavia had done in Clarke’s recent memory.

What Clarke actually did was toeing off her shoes and dipping her feet in. The water was soothing for her feet after the walk from the village.

“This will do for now,” Clarke said and threw another look at Bellamy over her shoulder.

While Clarke kicked the fresh water around, revelling in its cooling feeling on her feet and the way in which it glistened in the sun, Bellamy set up their picnic. He spread a blanket out on the grass and unpacked the picnic basket.

He didn’t call out to her when he was done, he simply sat down and watched her play in the water until the glistening of the droplets and the cold feeling of it between her toes didn’t fascinate her as much any more.

She turned to him with her feet still planted in the water. It was her time to take him in. He was sitting on the blanket with his feet stretched out in front of him and leaning back on his hands. He had removed his coat, leaving him in his t-shirt. 

It was a big change for her, to allow herself to appreciate the look of him. To appreciate him. She was happy she could, cause right now she couldn't remember a time she’d felt more at ease. At least not on the ground.

“What did you pack for us?” She asked as she stepped out of the water and moved towards the blanket.

“A bit of everything I could get my hands on,” Bellamy replied with a small smile. He didn’t move as she came closer. He simply watched her approach and take a seat next to him.

Once she was sitting comfortably he started tearing the bread into more reasonable pieces. Clarke picked the knife from her boot, a knife she’d hidden there at Bellamy’s request. _You never know what’ll come at you in those woods and I might be occupied with another threat. You’ll probably not need to use it. Don’t argue with me Clarke, please. Just take it. It’ll make me feel more at ease. Just let your instincts take over._

Clarke cut the meat into slices. Not as thin as they did back at camp, but thin enough for them to eat it comfortably with the bread.

“What is this? Deer?”

“It is. And you’ll never guess what Carrie let us have.” It was obvious that Bellamy was excited as he dug into the picnic basket. He pulled up a lump the size of his fist, wrapped in fabric.

“What is it?” Clarke asked, just as excited as Bellamy now. His mood had a tendency to affect hers.

Bellamy unwrapped the lump in front of her.

“Is that... cheese?” The expression of Clarke’s face was one of complete awe. She dropped the knife in her hand and reached for the cheese, carefully poking at it while it was still sitting in Bellamy’s hand. 

“Yeah, it’s cheese,” Bellamy replied with a small laugh. He had expected her to be happy, not in awe, but this definitely exceeded his expectations. 

“I’ve never had cheese before.”

“You have. You just don’t remember. It’s one of your favourite things. But since we only have two cows, and cheese takes a long while to mature, you don’t get to have it very often.” Bellamy’s smile was soft as he told her this, but this was one time when Clarke didn’t mirror Bellamy’s mood; she was too excited and too much in awe over having actual cheese in front of her.

Bellamy picked up Clarke’s knife and cut her a piece. “Here. Try it,” he said and handed it to her with the knife.

She picked the piece of cheese off the knife with two fingers, pinching it slightly to test its texture, then moving it up to her nose for a whiff. 

“It smells!” Clarke exclaimed while moving it quickly away from her face again.

“Yeah. That’s something they rarely tell you in the old books and Earth Studies classes,” Bellamy replied with a small chuckle. “Come on. Try it. It tastes better than it smells.”

“You’re just saying that to make me eat it.” Clarke scowled at him now, the expression of awe and excitement now vanished from her face.

“You like it, Princess. Just trust me.”

Clarke eyed him for a moment. His expression slightly amused, but open and honest. What did she have to lose? She took a bite out of the already small piece of cheese between her fingers. 

The texture was something new. Soft to bite through like a mushroom, but it almost melted on her tongue in a way she’d never tried before. 

Clarke’s eyes closed slowly as she took in the taste. It was new and it was strange, but it was good. Really good.

“I told you so.”

Clarke snapped her eyes open and her lips pouted slightly. She hated when people said I told you so.

Bellamy ignored her. He clearly knew. Instead he just asked her to pass some of the meat while he picked up a piece of bread.

They enjoyed the food, enjoyed the view, enjoyed the sun. They chatted about everything and nothing, just like they did on their walk there. The conversation slowly took different a turn, and Clarke thought this was the right time to finally ask. She wanted to know more about her and Bellamy. 

“We were gonna have kids? Right?” She thought she had prepared herself to ask that question, but she ended up looking at the carrot in her hand instead.

“Yeah,” Bellamy replied. He looked away for a moment, took a breath, and then focused his attention to her again. “We first started talking about it shortly after Gaya was born. And we talked about it for a long time, trying to figure out how to make it work for us. Most of the time there was one crisis or another, and we postposed the discussion for months. We only just started trying.” 

It was clear that Bellamy was sad about this whole ordeal, about Clarke not being _his Clarke_ anymore, about having to start over again. They’d built such a great relationship, and now they were back to basics.

“How were we gonna do missions as ambassadors and be parents at the same time? What if something happened on the trips?” Clarke was looking at him again. She took a bit of her carrot when she’d asked her question. 

“That was one of our main concerns. We agreed that only one of us would go at a time. But one of us needs to go. The grounders trust us now, we can’t just substitute both of us at the same time. That way we wouldn’t risk our kids becoming orphans because a mission went wrong.” Bellamy swallowed at that statement. It pained him to image their future kids without both their parents. It pained him to imagine his life without Clarke. It pained him to imagine her life without him.

“We talked about appointing Lincoln or Miller as the new co-ambassador. It would probably be Miller. He’s getting really excited about grounder relations and Lincoln seems so happy being home with Gaya. Miller would always go on the missions and then we’d take turns going.”

“That sounds like a good plan,” Clarke said with a small, supportive smile.

“Yeah, we thought so too. But don’t tell any of the others yet. We weren’t gonna talk to them about it until you were actually pregnant.” Bellamy’s smile was shy, just grazing his lips. He bowed his head slightly, like the thought of having a baby with her was overwhelming, but it was his own personal joy.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

When they go to bed that night Clarke snuggled up against Bellamy's side, putting her head on his shoulder and slinging her arm over his chest. She hadn’t done that before. Not before she’d woken up in the middle of the night with wet cheeks.

“Thank you. For today. I had a great time,” Clarke said with her eyes closed. The room was dark so he wouldn’t be able to see her anyways.

“So did I. Thank you for coming.” Bellamy’s lips moved in her hair at the top of her head as he spoke. It’s intimate, comforting.

“Any time.”

“Good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you SO MUCH for reading this. Please leave me some love in the comments if you enjoyed it.
> 
> I can't believe how much it hurt just _mentioning_ a happy, living AU Lincoln with a Linctavia-child, but I am still not okay.
> 
> Remember, you can always find me on tumblr:  
> [Main blog](http://www.reytheblakes.tumblr.com)  
> [The 100 blog](http://www.autumnkru.tumblr.com)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so sorry it's been such a long time since the last time I updated this fic! First uni got busy and then I had exams and after that I was working full time all July.
> 
> I hope this chapter lives up to your expectations, so without further ado, here's the new chapter.

Bellamy and Clarke were still the Skaikru ambassadors. They hadn’t been on any diplomatic trips since Clarke’s fall, but the citizens of Arkadia had noticed how well Bellamy and Clarke handled the Floukru despite Clarke’s memories being gone, so when the next tribe came through, no one thought twice about letting their ambassadors handle the guests.

But it was soon time to go on a new trip if their recent cotton trade had any chance of going through. Agreements of safe passage needed to be made, and only then could their first convoys go through.

So when Clarke joined Bellamy and Miller as they were discussing that very same topic, her ears peaked with interest and something deep inside her stirred. She itched to travel. Itched to talk to more grounders and to see the world they lived in. She itched to feel useful, really useful, again.

“I wanna go.” Her statement rang clearly between the three of them and efficiently interrupted the two men.

“Clarke-” Bellamy began, but Clarke wouldn’t have it.

“I _need_ to go, Bell. There’s... something. I can feel it. I need this.” Her big blue eyes bore deeply into his. “Even if it won’t get me my memories back, this is who I am. I know it.”

Bellamy’s jaw clenched for a moment followed by a deep breath. He knew he couldn’t change her mind. There were no excuses good enough to even make her reconsider. Not when she was like this. And the possibility of triggering some memories was alluring.

“Okay.”

“Okay?” A smile spread over a face and her eyes lit up, just like the time he’d shown her the horses in the stables. Just like when she’d first tasted peaches their second summer on the ground. Just like when he had shown her the wedding ring he had commissioned for her.

“I still wanna come.” Miller, momentarily forgotten on the other side of the table, studied the two of them as he spoke. “Clarke isn’t in any combat shape. Should anything happen on the trip, you can do with an extra trained person. And I know you’ve already discussed bringing me on.”

Bellamy was about to interrupt, but Miller stopped him with a small gesture and continued speaking.

“It’s alright. I wanna go. I want to learn the ropes. And perhaps bringing a new ambassador along will distract people from Clarke’s odd behaviour.”

“Hey!” Clarke interjected, but Miller’s ‘you know what I mean’-look shut her up.

Bellamy nodded at Miller. It was decided.

“When do we leave?” Clarke asked. She was impatient, but there was something else she needed from Bellamy, given they had enough time.

“We need to plan the route. Whichever road will be best for the convoy. We need to factor in how well we can travel the roads, how friendly the villages along those roads are... And then we’ll need to do inventory. See what we can spare for now. It’s only spring so what we can trade is limited.” Bellamy looked from Clarke to Miller.

“10 days?” Miller said, though it sounded more like a question.

“10 days,” Bellamy confirmed.

“Good. Then that will give you enough time to teach me how to shoot and how to fight.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Why did you agree to this?” Clarke asked as they walked through forest for a place to practice shooting.

“Why wouldn’t I? You need to be able to handle yourself. I can’t expect you to know everything from muscle memory.”

“Yeah, yeah. I know. You just gave in so quickly. I had a whole speech prepared.”

“You did?” Bellamy looked up at her with a small smile. “You really didn’t think I’d teach you?”

“No. I don’t know. Just...”

“Clarke, you forget how well I know you. I _know_ you can do this. You just need a little refresher.”

Clarke just nods and shifts her grip on her gun slightly. Before they left the village, Bellamy had shown her the basics. “Rest your finger by the side, never on the trigger. Safety is here. Aim. Move your finger. Squeeze. Bam.” But just in case they were attacked by a wild animal on their way to the practice spot. 

Clarke carried the gun and the ammo, Bellamy carried the rifle and their lunch, and it wasn't long until they arrived at the pleace they could practice.

“Let’s do the rifle first,” Bellamy said as he handed her the weapon. He let her get familiar with the weight and the shape of it while he marked the trunk of a tree with a giant x.

“So I just... Hold it on my shoulder?”

“Yeah. Just a little higher.” As Bellamy stepped up behind her and adjusted her stance and grip he couldn’t help but feel a strong sense of deja vu. 

“Now, aim for the tree. I’m gonna take a step back now. Then fire.”

Clarke bent her head slightly, aimed, and pulled the trigger. The loud bang ricocheted through the forest and even though she’d tried to hold the rifle tight to her shoulder it would probably still leave a bruise.

“That... felt amazing!” She quickly turned to Bellamy with a smile on her face, but the smile slowly faded, her brows drew together. She was in her own head now, not registering the world around her.

“Clarke? Are you alright” Bellamy asked and stepped close, worried about his wife. He took the rifle from her hands but she was still unmoving until she gasped and looked directly into his eyes.

“We’ve done this before,” she said in a small voice. “It was night. No, just dark. We were... inside? No. Yes. In a bunker. We found some rifles and guns and you taught me how to shoot.”

A smile started to spread over Bellamy’s face. She was remembering. She smiled slightly back at him until her brows furrowed again and she looked between his eyes, searching. 

“You... _we_ were attacked. I tried to...” Clarke shook her head slightly, as if the next sentence was just at the tip of her tongue. “You tackled him. And... and killed him.”

Bellamy looked down at that. Averting his gaze from Clarke. There had been no other way. Dax was relentless, but it was still a life lost. A life Bellamy had taken.

Tears were now streaming down Clarke’s face through her small, sad smile. Her hand reaching for Bellamy’s cheek, drawing his eyes up to hers again.

“I remembered something, Bellamy.”

He took her hand in his and turned it slightly to plant a small kiss in her palm.

“Do you remember what happened next?” he asked but Clarke just looked slightly confused.

“We were leaning against a tree," Bellamy began to say, "resting for a moment, trying to process what had just happened-”

“And then you told me you were a monster,” Clarke interrupted and stepped closer to Bellamy. Her whole body now leaning against his, small sparks ignited all the way to his heart.

“And then I told you I forgave you.” More tears were now streaming down Clarke’s face, as if that memory unlocked something deep and emotional inside her.

Her eyes widened for a moment before she hid her face in his shoulder, speaking her next words into his neck.

“And you told me the very same thing when I left you.” Clarke is outright sobbing against him now, and Bellamy never could stand to see her in such pain.

He let the rifle drop to the forest floor and wrapped his arms tightly around her. 

“Hey, hey, Clarke. It’s alright. I forgave you. I forgive you. You’re here now. You’re with me now.” He could feel her nod slightly against his neck as her arms wrapped themselves around him too.

They stood there for a while. Just holding each other. A couple of times Clarke got overwhelmed with a new wave of emotions, though this time she told him she didn't know why, just that she was happy he was still with her.

When she calmed down and he had wiped her tears away, she let out a shaky sigh and gave him a small smile. 

“Thank you, Bellamy,” she said as a new batch of tears were about to spill over once again.

This time, Bellamy just took her hands. “Wanna take a short break? Just talk about it?”

Clarke’s big smile warmed his heart as she said, “Yeah, that would be great.”

He knew her so well, and now she felt like she knew him a tiny bit better.

They talked for an hour, diving back into those old memories, but nothing else was sparked. She only remembered what she told him, and she didn’t even remember the reason behind her saying goodbye to him and leaving him behind. 

She remembered the feeling that drove her to say goodbye and she connected that with the dream she’d had about Mount Weather, but right now she couldn’t understand why she would leave him because of that. He had been as much part of it as she had. They had made the decision together.

“I just don’t... I don’t understand how I could leave you like that.”

“I couldn’t really understand it either. But you needed to get away from everything, from all the reminders of what you’d done. It didn’t help though. They gave you the name ‘Wanheda’, so even when you were with grounders you couldn’t escape what you had done.”

“Why didn’t you stop me from going? Argue. Anything?”

“I couldn’t. It wasn’t my place. You thought you needed to be alone and I believed you.”

“Not your place? You needed me, Bellamy. I was your-” Clarke stopped abruptly and and let out a small breath while she shook her head slightly. “We weren’t together then. I remember some of my emotions from that time, but I have a hard time putting it into a greater context.” She looked up at Bellamy again.

“I cared so much about you, Bellamy. Maybe I even loved you. I just... I cared so much about you then, that now I got that memory back, I forgot that we weren’t together at the time.”

Bellamy just looked up at Clarke and gave her a smile in reply as he said, “We cared so deeply about each other long before we ever had our first kiss.”

“We were stupid.”

“We weren’t ready,” Bellamy replied and grabbed her hand. He gave it a small squeeze before he said, “Are you ready to shoot again?”

“Yeah. Teach me to hit that bullseye.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm very nervous about this, if I'm honest. I knew I had to reread the older chapters before I started writing the new one, just to make sure I hadn't forgotten what was going on, but even getting myself to reread it was tough. I was honestly worried it was shit.
> 
> With that being said, I do hope you liked the new chapter. Please leave me some love if you liked it. Kudos are great but comments really give fic-writers life.
> 
>  
> 
> Remember you can always find me on tumblr  
> Main blog: [reytheblakes](http://reytheblakes.tumblr.com/)  
> The 100 blog: [autumnkru](http://autumnkru.tumblr.com)  
> Bellarke colab blog: [thebellarkes](http://thebellarkes.tumblr.com)  
> And now I'm also the admin of [the100positivitynetwork](http://the100positivitynetwork.tumblr.com)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is hella short, but I hope it's better than nothing.  
> Sorry for the long wait.  
> I still intent to finish this fic, but life has been busy. I have an internship this semester, which is amazing, and then I managed to get a boyfriend, so now he takes up some time too.
> 
> I won't leave this fic unfinished though!! I will be complete. ...at some point.

The training went better than either of them had anticipated. Bellamy’s jabs about “muscle memory” hadn’t been as far off as they’d thought. 

Her shooting had been slightly off until she’d stopped over-thinking the process and their hand-to-hand combat training had gone much the same way. 

They’d taken the first moves slow; slowly showed her how to block a punch and how to throw one. But the very first time Bellamy tried to tackle Clarke her instincts took over. Her eyes turned hard but still blown wide by adrenaline, taking in every since one of Bellamy’s movements as he bolted for her. Just as he reached her she used his momentum against him and rammed into his shoulder so he flipped around and landed on his back. 

She was on him in seconds. Before Bellamy had even realised what had happened, Clarke was straddling him, pinning him down with her hands on his wrists.

Her eyes were still hard on his, her breathing laboured; she was still pumped up for a fight. 

Bellamy’s eyes were raking over her. The way her hands were holding tightly onto his wrists had her bent slightly forward. Her heaving breasts were closer than they’d been in a month. She was gorgeous.

As Clarke noticed the heat in Bellamy’s eyes, her own softened and her tight grip on his wrists loosened slightly. 

All Bellamy wanted to do was to reach up and capture her mouth with his, to feel her lips against his for the first time in so long. He had to fight everything inside himself to not give into that urge. 

He didn’t want to push himself on her. They’d moved so far since her accident, but he couldn’t bear to push her away.

Which is why Bellamy was stunned when Clarke leaned in and kissed him. Her breasts pressed against his chest and her eyes closed in content when her lips met his. After a short moment Bellamy’s mind caught up with his body and he kissed her back, slow and sweet.

Her lips were as soft as he remembered. By God, he’d missed this. Missed her like this. Being close to her this way, to show her how much he loved her by the soft caress of his lips and his tongue.

Neither of them broke away. Neither of them wanted to risk it. What if the other didn’t want to kiss again after this? What if it was only a one time thing? She knew she wasn’t the same as before. He didn’t know if he was pushing her too far. So neither of them dared stop. Not that either of them wanted to.

But the kiss stayed soft and caring. It didn’t speed up. It didn’t lead to roaming hands and grinding hips and bites and moans like their kissing had done so many time before. It stayed loving and delicate until they broke away.

“Was that alright?” Clarke asked when they’d studied each other for a few seconds.

Bellamy let out a small happy huff. There was no mistaking his small smile. She knew what that meant. It was instinctive for her to know.

“That was perfect, Princess.” Bellamy caressed her face softly, like he was scared that she would flee if he was too firm, but he couldn’t stop himself touching her now. Not when she’d finally taken that new giant step for them. 

“You can’t imagine how much I’d missed kissing you. Can I kiss you again?” Bellamy asked when he’d sat them up, Clarke now straddling Bellamy’s lap as he was sitting upright.

Bellamy’s right hand was holding her close to him by her lower back and his left hand was slowly tracing patterns with his thumb on her cheek. 

“Yeah. You can kiss me again.”

He did.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Do you have everything?”

“Yes.”

“The gun?”

“Yes.”

“The bullets?”

“Yes.”

“Your rations.”

“Yes. Seriously, Bell. You helped me pack yesterday. You _know_ I have everything,” Clarke’s exasperation was obvious as she closed her jacked and grabbed her backpack.

“I know. Sorry.”

“Let’s go get Miller. You can ask him all those questions instead.”

“Deal.” Bellamy walked close to Clarke, grabbed her by her backback straps and leaned in for a kiss. Slow and tentative, still afraid she wouldn’t let him, but braver than he’d been in a while.

“I… I don’t want us to kiss when we’re out… there,” Clarke said and inclined her head slightly towards the door. This was a bit hard for her to say, cause part of her thought it was ridiculous, but she had to follow her gut.

“For me, this is new. Completely new. And I don’t want to share that with everyone just yet.”

“So, when we leave this house, I won’t get to kiss you until we’re alone again next time?” Bellamy asked to clarify. He understood, but he wished it wasn’t so.

“Yeah. I just can’t. Not yet.”

“That’s okay, Clarke. Whatever you need,” Bellamy said as he moved a bit closer again. “But at least give me one more kiss before leaving.”

“Of course.”

Clarke pushed herself up on her tiptoes and slung her arms around Bellamy’s neck. She sighed heavily as her lips touched his again. She was happy she got this. Even if had been through an odd route - at least in her memory - she had ended up with this. With his curls between her fingers and his soft lips on hers. 

It was Clarke who broke away first. “We need to leave,” she said in a sigh.

“I know,” said Bellamy while he rested his forehead against Clarke’s. 

“I really hope the grounders have a spare hut for us and another for Miller. I need to kiss you again soon,” Bellamy said with his eyes closed and the taste of Clarke still on his lips.

They were on the road in less than ten minutes. Miller was ready and waiting for them by the gate and since the village was quiet this early in the morning, they avoided having to say goodbye to too many people. 

Abby Griffin intercepted them before they reached Miller. Bellamy later explained, that she hadn’t done that since their first couple of missions, but he guessed that she was a bit extra protective over her again, since she’d lost all her memories of Earth.

She hugged her daughter close and went through the same list as Bellamy had earlier. _‘Have you remembered to pack…’_

It was both annoying and adorable, but Abby Griffin didn’t care. She was still a mother and Clarke was still her child. She let her daughter go without too much fuss. Only a tight hug for her and Bellamy alike. 

And then they were ready to leave the Skaikru village and explore parts of the ground Clarke couldn't remember she'd ever seen before. It was a completely new adventure.


End file.
